BKTNDRML.RVW   991214

"Tender Malice", Catherine Lanigan, 1998, 1-55166-420-8
%A   Catherine Lanigan
%C   225 Duncan Mills Road,Don Mills, Ontario   M3B 3K9
%D   1998
%G   1-55166-420-8
%I   Mira Books/Harlequin
%O   http://www.romance.net
%P   377 p.
%T   "Tender Malice"

As I should have been able to figure out from the title (but didn't),
this is a romance.  Lots of creamy thighs, spicy musk smell (for
males), spicy tropical scents (for females), half naked bodies,
feelings of melting into the sidewalk, et cetera, et cetera.

As such, this is *wildly* outside of my normal review fodder.  I will
limit myself, therefore, to the comments that the dialogue is
unintentionally hilarious in places, and the plot seriously strains
belief.  (At the denouement, the deus is literally ex machina, and so
many loose ends are tied up in the final page or two that one feels
the book was serged to finish it off.)  The copious red herrings are
quite transparent, and most of the important plot twists can be seen
from a long way off.  (Or maybe this is part and parcel of all romance
literature, and a Good Thing [TM]?  As I say, I'm outside my field.)

But, as I have mentioned one or two times before, that is not the
purpose of this series.

The story revolves around a computer genius, and the program she has
developed.  She starts out with a basic computer with 286 rams of
memory, but quickly expands it to 486.  (At this point, one feels like
pointing out to the author that she had best leave the topic alone
until someone teaches her the minimal basics, such as the difference
between the Intel x86 family of microprocessors, and the various
measures of Random Access Memory [RAM].)  She must be a genius, since,
armed only with a cable, she is able to turn the computer into a
"salad bowl machine."  That takes brains: neither I, nor any of the
eight computer dictionaries currently hanging around my office, nor
the jargon file (just in case it is some kind of esoteric hacker
slang) have any idea what that even means.

There are other computer oddities, such as the fact that an intruder
leaves absolutely no trace of his presence, except for changing the
screen colours of one particular program.  This is an expert computer
(or more probably intellectual property) thief and he can't use a
computer unless he changes the colours to his, very distinctive,
motif?  (I'm pretty sure I can guess which version of WordPerfect
Lanigan uses in her writing.)  The fact that the important program
appears and disappears on a variety of computers in the book we'll put
down to the author's forgetfulness.

And this is not just any program, either, but a security program. 
What kind of a security program?  Hard to say.  Most of the time it
seems to be a network intrusion detection system, but at other times
it seems to be intended to restrict access.  In the wrong hands,
however, it might become decryption software.  (Tricky stuff, this.) 
I am willing to grant Lanigan one important point: the concept is
mightier than the code.  For the rest of it, however, the program is
completely incomprehensible.  It goes around the "atoms" in firewalls. 
(Bits can only travel in the path provided: there is no getting around
a properly set up firewall.)  It only moves forward, never back. 
(Makes reporting the intrusion a bit tricky, I'd imagine.  And if this
is a protective system, what is it doing moving at all, let alone
around the atoms in firewalls?)  Someone seems to have told Lanigan
about SATAN, including the fact that utility tools can be used for
both offence and defence, but nobody mentioned that it was an acronym.

Besides, I was pulling for the geek, and he doesn't even get a chance:
just disappears in mid book.

copyright Robert M. Slade, 1999   BKTNDRML.RVW   991214