MEMOIR1.CVP   920710
 
         Memoirs of an (English speaking) virus researcher
 
The columnist is assuming unto himself the right of all columnists:
that of telling a personal story, rather than what his readers want
to hear.  He is doing this because the following incident took up
probably more time already than he would normally spend researching
and writing his column, and because the first anniversary of his
column has come and gone and NOBODY NOTICED! (including himself.) 
The columnist promises to keep this self-indulgent waste of
bandwidth to a minimum in future columns, but reserves the right to
do it on occasion.
 
[As well as flames, VIRUS-L/comp.virus seems to deal automatically
with pique and wasted bandwidth.  This message got eaten first time
around by mailer problems.]
 
Ah, the risks of being a world famous virus researcher.
 
I received a letter today from somewhere in what used to be the
Soviet Union.  From my old theological Greek, I can usually puzzle
out some of the Cyrillic alphabet, but about all I can tell from the
envelope is that it costs 7 kopeks to mail an airmail letter from
there.  The cancellation stamp seems to indicate that it was mailed
June 23rd, but about half of it (the half that might say where it is
from) is unreadable over a dark floral illustration on the (very
pretty) envelope.  I don't recognize any of the words in the return
address: I suspected that the republic might be the Ukraine (the
transliteration looks like it should start out "Ayookoo..."), but a
souvenir book of Kiev that my parents brought back from a recent
trip has an introduction in (I assume) Russian, Ukrainian and
English, and the words "Russia", Ukraine" and "Byelorussia" in the
different languages don't look familiar.
 
I've called the Russian Community Centre, and left a message on
their answering machine.  I've called a Russian Orthodox Church;
their answering machine doesn't let you leave a message.  I've
called the Russian Orthodox Church of St. Nicholas; they don't have
an answering machine and no one answers.  The Ukrainian Catholic
Churches don't have answering machines or anyone on duty.  The
Ukrainian Canadian Congress is very eager to get business for their
professional translators.  (The Ukrainian Canadian Professional and
Business Association gets you a private home who, somewhat tersely,
direct you to another private home in North Vancouver, with an
answering machine message suspiciously similar to the one you get
when you call the Ukrainian Community Information line in southeast
Vancouver.  Hmmm.)  The Ukrainian Orthodox Church would like to
help, except they don't believe in fax machines :-).  The Ukrainian
Pentecostal Temple is very interested, but the new pastor apparently
doesn't speak the language all that well.  I've called the Secretary
of State; there is no Soviet consulate or office nearer than Ottawa. 
I've called my sister, a travel agent; there is no Aeroflot or
Intourist office in Vancouver.  (I'm getting desperate, aren't I?) 
My father-in-law used to speak "baby Ukrainian" growing up on the
prairies; he never did learn to read it, and he's forgotten almost
all of it.
 
I've called "Mosaic", they're willing to translate it (for an
estimated $50) some time next week if I deliver it.
 
Where does virus research enter into this?  The letter is addressed
to:     Robert Slade Van-     \
        couver institute for   \
        Research into User      (exactly as I got it, folks)
        Securitu CyberStore    /
        Dpac 85301030         /
        Canada V7K 2G6
(It says something for Canada Post that it got to me.  That's
actually better delivery than I usually get from senders within
Canada.)
 
My Internet electronic mail "sigblock" used to contain an entry
"CyberStore Dpac 85301030", which should have told
telecommunications literate Canadians that the Datapac address for
CyberStore was 85301030 (it isn't any more), and this used to appear
just above the country and postal code.  Therefore, it would appear
that the writer has seen some of my writings which were published on
the Internet or Usenet.  (My writings on Fidonet generally have a
different sigblock.)  I suspect that the writer does not have net
access, and that my writings are being circulated in print. 
(Samizdat, without the political connotations.)  I also suspect that
they have been translated, otherwise why would anyone be writing to
me in other than English?  (My wife is thrilled that my work has
been translated and published in a foreign language.)
 
Amazing, when you think of it, how much you can determine from
something you can't read.  Sort of like trying to figure out who
wrote a virus.  :-)
 
So: I was looking for some kind soul who reads Russian, Ukrainian or
some other Soviet language (preferably with access to a fax machine,
preferably in the greater Vancouver area) who could give me some kind
of an idea as to what this person wants.  (I suspect, even though I
am not absolutely certain of the alphabet used, that the handwriting
is not great.)
 
(I tried out the soc.culture.soviet newsgroup on Usenet to get help,
and told the system to restrict distribution to BC.  I got replies
from Ontario and New York.  So much for restricted distribution.  I
also send this column out on Fidonet.  I got lots of responses. 
Almost all saying "try UBC and SFU"!  I had.)
 
Eventually I did get a translation.  The letter is from a widow in
Siberia looking for help to relocate to the Ukraine.  Two of the
community groups whose members looked at the letter for me are
pursuing the matter.
 
copyright Robert M. Slade, 1992   MEMOIR1.CVP   920710

==============                      
Vancouver      ROBERTS@decus.ca    | "Daughters of feminists love to wear
Institute for  Robert_Slade@sfu.ca |  pink and white short frilly dresses
Research into  rslade@cue.bc.ca    |  and talk of successes with boys/
User           p1@CyberStore.ca    |  It annoys/
Security       Canada V7K 2G6      |  Their Mums ..."  - Nancy White