Look! Up in the skye! It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Shoggoth! This is number Phyve in a series of Proclo-Revalations from the High Preest of MOO, Goyd Flecko, designed to blur the boundary between truth and fiction, clever and stupid, sensible and preposterous. Designed, it's true, by a nearsighted aardvark, but that's as may be. It works okay. This here, for example, is a chilling true story of the true Powers-That-B in this Galaxy.
Well, YOU haven't read the sacred scriptures, have you? A Shoggoth is a big ugly smelly thing that looks like an octopus doing yoga. Which is very strange, because Shoggothim aren't even related to hindu octopi. Shoggothoi are, in fact, alien beings. Well, sort of.
Certainly, people have known about Shoggoths for a very long time. Shoggoth-sightings have been traced back to the Mad Arab who scribbled the Necro-Nomicon, a book about self-modifying games for dead people. In the course of discussing the various cybernetic feedback possibilities inherent in death, he began to ramble on the subject of Shoggothae. They were, he said, related to the Old Ones, ancient gods somewhat-destroyed-but-not-quite by Marduck, a close relative of the MOOist deity "QUACK". The Old Ones, being deemed somewhat out-of-date, but still functional enough to be dangerous, for in those days they hadn't heard of Planned Obsolescence, were cast out of this realm and into another. So says the Mad Arab, anyway. The point is, they left behind traces, namely Shoggothou, who work to acheive their return, especially the Old One called Chthulhu, whom they seemed to like a lot. Chthulhu clearly has much to answer for in the way of smelly hindu octopi running about our sewers.
[Editor's Note: It appears that Mr. Flecko has mistakenly described a Star Spawn of Cthulhu rather than a Shoggoth. Given the references to Cthulhu thought this Proclamation, it seems likely that Mr. Flecko was under the influence of the Treel MCS-1885467, whose purpose is to cause otherwise rational beings to use the word "Shoggoth" when describing Start Spawn of Cthulhu. Mr. Flecko, now known to have been influenced by the Trell, has been executed.]Even though W.O.M.B.A.T. naturally denies creation of Shoggothum and foists the blame off on various Intergalactic Gnomes, Tooth Fairies, and UFO alien groups, the fact remains that even IT is unaware of most of its activities. It is almost certain that the image of Shoggoth were created by W.O.M.B.A.T.'s network of land-based mind-control satellites, placed there because there was no room left in orbit after the 184 Galactic races had stationed themselves around Planet Earth. These images, which took the form of psychic vibrations in the Vril medium, were focused by the Earth's Magnetohydroelectroneuropsychodynamic field and focused at points of high namronic energy concentrations, such as mysics, spiritualists, and yo-yos. It was at these point that the Shoggurth were manifest.
Obviously, among W.O.M.B.A.T.'s various excuses, the one about Hyperspacial Banker Trolls From Planet Q is the only one which bears up under examination. It is a proven fact that these Banker Trolls, who control the entire nation of Switzerland as of the time of this writing, have been meddling in human affairs since the dawn of time. Or at least for a very long one, anyway. The point is this: although they bear a superficial resemblance to Shoggorethamurges, the Hyperspace Banker Trolls From Planet Q are nevertheless a slightly darker shade of purple, and have only seven arms, rather than eight. While a shoggoth might well be mistaken for such a being, or vice versa, in a dimly lit environment, if the observer caught only a glimpse, or were busy running for his life and gagging from the stench, they would never be confused with each other by calm, rational, levelheaded, skeptical people such as myself.
It's obvious that something is going on, but that we haven't really got a firm handle on what it is. Because of this, the Church of MOO is beginning a program called Shoggoth-Watch, described in the next section.
If you're a concerned citizen, you're beginning to get concerned by now. We know beyond any reasonable doubt that there are Shoggothubuses out there somewhere, but that not only does W.O.M.B.A.T. not keep us updated on a location database for them, but it claims not to know anything about them beyond the most rudimentary of facts.
So if you should happen to see a Shoggoth, or even, Marduck help you, a whole herd of Shoggothoresh, you should make a careful note of the following information, and send it to the Church of MOO:
Where were they sighted? How many were present? What were their activities? Were they carrying any groceries? If so, what kind? Were there any cauliflower present in the groceries? If so, how many? Of these cauliflower, were any of them unusual in some way? Were the Shoggothoes treating the unusual cauliflower any different from the regular cauliflower? If so, how? Were they worshipping it, dancing around it, and chanting strange songs? If so, what were the lyrics? How did the tune go? Were their singing voices in good tune? How could you tell, if you haven't heard a Shoggoth sing before? Where did you hear this Singing Shoggoth? Why didn't you mention this before? What are you, some kind of traitor? Get the fuck out of my office, NOW!
"Beware, beware! His flashing wives, his dancing bear! The leader of the Shoggoths is, no sweeter than a candy fizz, that pops on tongue and gives you blisters, or beats up on your little sisters!"
-Quote from ancient Atlantean Shoggoth textbook (dubious translation)
The leader of the Shogga is a total unknown, a complete mystery. Whatever he/she/it may be, you should at all costs avoid him/her/it. Unless protected by the sacred Broccoli Heart of Shoggoth-Protection, of course.