In this, the eighth in a series of revelactive in-cranio celebrations of the MOO spirit, a revelatory experience of communication with the Grate MOO, Floyd Gecko has been privileged enough to learn more of Atlantean Culture than you would ever have thought possible, and even some of WOMBAT's precious secrets of the Galactic MOO Archives. Herein revealed for the first time ever are the great MOO Shoe-Protocols famed in legend and myth. Without further ado...

Part One: Atlantean Shoe-History

Rumors of the existence of the Lost Continent of Mu, or MOO, also known as Pangaea, the Island of Atlantis, Thule, or Ur'gant, have existed for several thousand years. The truth about these rumours is unclear to all but a very few: those privileged enough to have access to the MOO Archives, somewhere in the city of Ottawa.

In the MOO Archives, in addition to the infamous Mauve Room containing the alien hypercomputer known as W.O.M.B.A.T., there is a wide variety of information dealing with MOOism in its present form, the Church of MOO in several previous incarnations, and a myriad of topics dealing with these various attempts by W.O.M.B.A.T. to return humanity to the pristine state which existed on the Lost Continent of MOO, before the arrival of the Galactics and their Mind Control Satellites. From ancient occult tomes to modern technical books, anything of relevance to MOOism is either preserved on shelves, or within the databases maintained by a lobotomized sub-processor of W.O.M.B.A.T.

Among these records are no fewer than eighty complete books from ancient Atlantis, dating between 23000 Before Liftoff and 101 Before Liftoff, Atlantean era. Much insight into the minds of our ancestors from Atlantis who await us now on the far side of the Galaxy can be gained by careful study of these books. With help given by W.O.M.B.A.T., MOOist scholars have made some startling discoveries.

The Atlantean language has perhaps 5000 words, all of which are one-syllable words with four phonemes each, all possible combinations of 20 consonants, four vowels, and three medium glottal sounds, in the pattern Consonant-Consonant-Medium-Vowel. Concepts more complicated than the basic 5000 words are formed by compounding them together. Of these basic words, according to a late-era dictionary, no fewer than 103 are nouns related to various forms of footgear, from sandals to boots to shoes to socks, verbs for donning footgear, and adjectives describing states of footgear. Despite the huge number of words relating to shoes and the uses thereof, textual analysis of the other books from Atlantis shows only three actual uses of any of these words in print, all of which occurred later than 2300 B.L.

For reasons we can only guess at, it appears that the Atlanteans, the prototypical MOOists on Earth, had a strong taboo against discussion of shoes andsubjects related to them, combined with an active imagination about the various possibilities connected with shoes, much like the modern human's preoccupation with sex and its variations. Although it seems certain that there were indeed shoe manufacturers, it is apparent that they were very disreputable indeed, and were not commonly discussed. There are ambiguous references to "the oldest profession", which appear to relate to the illicit sale of sandals in the basements of sausage manufacturing plants, the primary export industry of Atlantis.

Part Two: MOOist Shoe Records

Whatever the reason for the Atlantean taboo on the subject of shoes, it nevertheless obvious that the Atlanteans who passed on the scriptures of the Church of MOO must have, in some way, passed on this superstitious fear of footgear in their transcriptions of the Book of MOO. This is made all the more apparent by the fact that the Book of MOO BLATANTLY OMITS any mention of the Officially Approved MOOist Shoe-Lacing Systems. We know, for example, that these lacing protocols are laid down in item k-6437-U/t12b of the Galactic MOOist Archives, in orbit about Sirius-B, but that the Earth-Release version of the Book of MOO was heavily edited by Atlanteans before they downloaded it into W.O.M.B.A.T. for psychic release some fifty-seven thousand years later, and all references to the Shoe-Protocols of MOO were lost.

This can only be attributable to the interference of Earth-based "Mindworms" previous to the Atlantean liftoff, which took place just as alien interest in Earth began to grow: the Hawaiian and Maori people, the nearest descendents of the Polynesian Thule splinter group which remained behind after the Liftoff of Mu, were observed by European settlers to have notably decreased shoe-wearing coefficients as a culture, as contrasted with "civilized" Europe. This shows the preservation of certain Atlantean axioms, the Mu-ist way of living. Alien interference with European culture had destroyed the purely Earthian versin of Mu-ist living. Still, the fact that Atlantis maintained a shoe-taboo for tens of thousands of years suggests an outside influence previous to alien invasions. Earth-based "Mindworms", long since destroyed by mind-control satelite operators, must have been responsible. Whatever the reasons may have been, it is now time to set the record straight on MOOist Sho

Part Three: The Mysticism Of Shoes

MOOist mysticism regarding the shoe is a complex concept for many beginners to grasp. As the shoe is to the foot, so is the body to the mind. And yet, the shoe is that which keeps you safe from broken glass and rocks, like a Holy Guardian Angel. It can hardly be a coincidence that so many religions, while ignoring the Shoe entirely, nevertheless speak of the "Immortal Sole".

The Shoe is symbolic of one's spiritual and physical life, one's state of mind, and the current state of repair of one's dishwasher. It is by focusing attention on the Shoe though Protocols, even meaningless protocols such as those presented by the Galactic MOOist Shoe Archives, that we can attain proper meditative harmony with our own inner sole.

The Sole is symbolic of the substance of coincidence and pattern which shapes our lives, leaving apparently unconnected instances of similar form throughout the universe, like boot-prints on wet sand. The Padding is symbolic of the walls we construct around our minds to protect us from the world. The leather or cloth is symbolic of external appearances hiding the Truth/Foot from the world. The Laces are symbolic of the Suchness that binds the universe.

Part Four: Galactic Shoe Protocols

Official MOOist footgear on planet Earth is of five types, in accordance with the Law Of Fives. There is the Doc-Marten boot, the Converse sneaker, the Rockport walking shoe, the Nike sneaker, and the Generic Military Combat Boot. These five types of shoes and boots are sported by the MOOist for a variety of reasons, which should be immediately obvious to anyone with half of six pineal glands.

Shoes/boots should be of different types on different feet, if not brand/style, then at least of different colours. Paint is acceptable, as long as it lasts. The more different the shoes, the lower the rank of the MOOist, symbolizing disharmony in the soul. The sublime Indoctrinate-Me, of course, being free of rank, wears whatever the hell she likes. As indeed does everyone else. We just bug THEM more often.

Lacing patterns are rather complex, and rank-based. A lacing-code has been devised to list briefly the lacings in each case. Each eyelet is given a number, and they are listed in the order in which the lace passes through them. Generally the eyelets are numbered odd numbers down the outside-side of the shoe/boot, even on the inside-side, lower numbers at the top, lower towards the toe. Single digits are used, letters replacing higher numbers. A is 10, B is 11, and so on. Sample lacing for High Preest rank lacings on 8-hole boots:

There are over 7000 such patterns, for all different ranks, on file in W.O.M.B.A.T., and a trained MOOist observer is able to identify the rank of another MOOist by the lacing pattern immediately. The more apparently chaotic lacings are symbolic of a greater confusion in the mind of the wearer, and are thus reserved for the truly enlightened.

MOOist shoes should be bestowed with gifts in the form of self-beautification. A MOOist is proud of her shoes, and makes them as distinctive as possible. Laces of unusual or contrasting colours, words inscribed in the soles, or decoration of the shoe itself in waterproof paint are all acceptable forms of respect for the shoe-spirits. Since the spirits who inhabit the shoes are vain and egocentric, and they are constantly subjected to the indignities to which shoes generally GET subjected, it is only fair to pay them this form of respect.