MOOist Ranks And Titles - The Most Useless Page On The Web

Appendix IV

Titles and Ranks Within The MOO Corps

Note: Hardly anyone actually follows this ranking system. It should be taken with a grain of Lot's Wife.

00001. Omnimalevolent Polly's Father and Grated Leader Of MOO
Title: Grate Prophet of MOO, Apostate of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): One Half (1/2) (0.5)
Current Title Holder: Half-Mad
Tenure: Infinite. Plus 4 years
Membership Requirements: Unknown
Job: Classified

0001 1/4. The Wholly Air-Traffic Controller of Potatoma
Title: The High Preest of MOO, Apostate of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): One and a bit (1+bit)
Current Title Holder: Floyd Gecko (and a bit)
Tenure: Until eaten by a Cow, or death
Membership Requirements: Write much of the Book of MOO, Be silly, and be willing to be eaten by a Cow when the Cow so decides.
Job: To justify MOO fests, to write about Mints and Wombats, to call for MOO guidance in times of need.

0001 1/2. The Elite Upper Council of MOO
Title: Cardinal Richelieu, Mud, Apostate of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): Whatever the others say (3)
Current Title Holders: Hellhound 101
Tenure: Life
Membership Requirements: Be sexually active, open minded, wise and knowledgeable about the items of MOO and the many Heresies. Members must be voted in by the current Title Holders and nobody else.
Job: To attempt to cancel MOOfests, to hunt down and capture the heretic unMOO cultBLATTTs to be either destroyed by MOO vengeance or to be turned over to the MOOists for re-programming or to be eaten by the Grate Prophet.

00002. Prophet of MOO
Title: Prophet, Little Prophet, Apostle of MOOism.
Number of Title Holders (max): Whatever The Grate Prophet sez.
Current Title Holders: Necromancer TeraFNORD
Tenure: Life, or until removed by Grate Prophet
Membership Requirements: To be accepted by The Grate Prophet, to make prophecies about things surreal.
Job: To attend MOO-Fests, to do silly things in silly places,to think of neat ways science can be used for personal entertainment.

00003. Saint First Class
Title: Saint First Class, Wow A Saint
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Current Title Holders: (TOP SECRET)
Tenure: More or less infinite
Membership Requirements: (TOP SECRET)
Job: (TOP SECRET)

00004. Nobody
There is no 4th rank.

0004 1/2. Saint Second Class
Title: Saint Second Class, Saint Bernard
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Examples: Spaxter, Yossarian, HAL 9000, Simon MOON, Floyd Gecko, Harry Gerber, Trurl & Klapaucius
Tenure: indeterminate
Membership Requirements: To be a fictional character of MOOist interest.

00005. Saint Third Class
Title: Saint Third Class, Saint Patrick's Day
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Examples: Monty Python characters
Tenure: infinite or until they get boring
Membership Requirements: To be a silly fictional character

0005.2. Saint Fourth Class
Title: Saint Fourth Class, Jolly Saint Nick
Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
Examples: Yari, John Lennon, St. John The Divine, Richard Feynman, Pythagoras, Moimos Eursti, Ferenc Puskas, R. Buckminster Fuller, Alan Turing, Jon von Neumann, Siddartha Gaut ama, John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Tenure: until they come back to life
Membership Requirements: be dead, or doing a REASONABLE facsimile thereof after making a great contribution to MOOism.

0005.4. Saint Fifth Class
Title: Saint Fifth Class, Day-Saint
Number Of Title Holders (max): 1729
Examples: Go-Go the Do-Do, Brian O'Blivious, Daffy Duck
Tenure: Until no longer useful, but only during the day.
Membership Requirements: Act EXTREMELY surreal, or just sort of generally wierd, or otherwise be confused. Can be real OR fictional, as required.

005.6. Bishopesse Of MOO
Title: Bishoppesse/Bishop, One Of The Silly Pointy Hat
Number Of Title Holders (joe): 6.3
Examples: MuPPeT (Muppet) (Mup Pet)
Tenure: Until the kitchen sinks
Membership Reqiurements: Get chosen
Job: To complain about Bishops. Or don't.

00006. Bishop Of MOO
Title: Bishop/Bishoppesse, Diagonal One, Apostle of MOOism
Number Of Title Holders (max): 11
Tenure: Until Hell Freezes Over
Membership Requirements: Say "I'm A Bishop Now" in the presence of one of the top five members of MOO without getting thwacked.
Job: To adminBLATTTrate, to lead, to Preech, and to generally tell everyone else what to do. To do what you like.

00007. Knight Of MOO
Title: Knight Of The Trapezoidal Table, Llama, Apostle of MOOism
Number Of Title Holders (max): 23
Tenure: A Long Time, In A Galaxy Far Away
Membership Requirements: Be unable to turn yourself and others into frogs, but have obvious talent for something unspecified. Be accepted by higher levels.
Job: Plant plastic cacti in public places, leave unintelligible notes on walls, tell everyone you know about MOOism. Violently convert random people to Fateor.

00008. Rook Of MOO
Title: Rookie Of The Year, Straight One, Apostle of MOOism.
Number Of Title Holders (max): 83... or maybe 93
Tenure: 23 years, renewable
Membership Requirements: Go through trial period of 23 days of observation, act surreal, spread the Word.
Job: Continue to Spread The Word. Eat Peanut-Butter and Banana Sandwiches.

0008.3. Monjuniorhood Of MOO
Title: Monjunior Of The Church Of MOO, Apostle Of MOOism.
Number Of Title Holders (fred): 93... or maybe 83
Tenure: Ten ures, renewable.
Membership Requirements: Things which are required to become a member.
Job: What the members do.

00009. The Dinner Circle Of MOO
Title: Inner CirlBLATTT, Virgin, Phred, Apostle of MOOism.
Number of Title Holders (max): One Hundred And Four (104)
Tenure: four years, renewable
Membership Requirements: Be accepted by the upper levels of MOO as an Inner CirclBLATTT after serving a term as an Outer CirclBLATTT.
Job: To attend MOOfests, to set fires, to be silly and to practise Free and Safe Sex. May act as Preest if it's important. Or if it isn't, for that matter.

00010. Preest of MOO
Title: Preest of MOOism, Apostle of MOOism.
Number of Title Holders (max): As many as are needed, keeping at least one (one) (1) (I) (0.5 + 0.5) per sect of MOOism.
Tenure: Life, or until quit or removed by the High Preest.
Membership Requirements: To try to be as silly as the High Preest, to write some stuff for something about very little.
Job: To find GNU literary and audio/video sources for MOOist enjoyment, continue to Preech.

00011. The Doubter Circle Of MOO
Title: Outer CircleBLATTT of MOO, Weenie, Goober, Apostle of MOOism
Number of Title Holders (max): Eighteen Hundred (1800)
Tenure: one day, renewed automatically until excommunicated or raised to the level of a Virgin.
Membership requirements: Submit Application, endure ritual.
Job: To attend MOOfests, to impress the higher odours of MOO. To spread the word (and treacle) of MOO.

QUACK!

0011.4666. Pasteur
Title: Hon. Pasteur, Pasteur, Moloko, The Beast
Number Of Title Holders (max): 666.666
Tenure: Until sourness occurdles
Membership Requirements: Be pure, disease-free, opaque, and generally uncontaminated.
Job: To ensure the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health of all Offical Animals in the vicinity.

00012. Honourable Reverend
Title: Hon. Reverend, Reverend
Number or Title Holders (max): Anyone approved by a higher level.
Tenure: As long as they appear to give the correct impression.
Membership requirements: Hmm, doesn't take much really.
Job: Do odd things with sheep. Be social. Save large groups of people from painfully horrid deaths when needed.

00013. Councillor Of MOO
Title: Counciltwit, Some Council Thing Or Other
Number of Title Holders (max): Zillions
Tenure: Determined by the Councils
Membership Requirements: Determined by the Councils
Job: Attempt to protect the Church Of MOO from the CapriCancer threat.

00014. CapriCancer
Title: Some Loser Guy, Cancerous Growth
Number Of Title Holders (max): A whole bunch
Tenure: Until tenure expires
Membership Requirements: Head a worldwide conspiracy.
Job: Attempt to destroy that horrible and blasphemous MOO thing. Kill Floyd Gecko. Be utterly despicable.

00015. Acolyte
Title: Scum, Hey You, Silly Twit
Number of Title Holders (max): Infinite. Plus one.
Tenure: As long as the Apostles of MOOism feel like.
Membership Requirements: Submit application, endure tiny ritual
Job: Do whatever the Inner CirclBLATTTs want you to. Be a gopher to the higher orders.

00016. Fateor
Title: Lazy Twit
Number of Title Holders: Very difficult to estimate.
Tenure: As long as they like.
Membership Requirements: In some way, to actively recignize MOOism. No application required.
Job: Actively recignize MOOism in any way you choose.

00017. Agnoscere
Title: Idiot, Twit
Number of Title Holders: A lot
Tenure: Life, or until moved to a higher ranking.
Membership Requirements: To have, at some point, recognized or known that MOOism exBLATTTs. No application required.
Job: To have, at some point, recignized the exBLATTTance of MOOism, but have not filled out any application, are not a saint, and do not actively recignize MOOism.

00018. Snacky
Title: Snackie, Unsuspecting Freak
Number Of Title Holders: Dang near 6 Billion
Tenure: Until They're Not A Snacky Anymore
Membership Requirements: To be Un-MOO, Anti-MOO, or to have no connection with MOO whatsoever.
Job: To be eaten and otherwise destroyed by the Cow and MOOists in the form of War, Crime, AIDS, and Cheese Whiz.

00019. Evil One
Title: That Evil Guy, Evil Person, Bung
Number of Title Holders (MAX): Twelve
Current Title Holders: Vincent Emond, "BOB", Cthulhu
Tenure: Until no longer evil, or people forget who you are.
Membership Requirements: To be extremely evil. Or at least a bit evil. At any rate, to be something vaguely resembling evil for a little while, or maybe not be very nice to someone at some point or other. Maybe.
Job: To continue to be a bit evil until tenure elapses, or are eaten by the Great MOO.

00020. Perrennial Heretic
Title: Legend In His Own Mind, I Yemen Oying
Number of Title Holders (max): FIVE
Current Title Holders: I Yemen-Oying, E.D. Brebis
Tenure: Until conversion or onset of senility
Membership Requirements: Refuse to admit to being a MOOist, but participate in most Fests and Rituals anyways. Non-application required.
Job: Refuse to admit to being a MOOist, participate in Nomic ritual, Fests, burning, QUACKBLATT, ConfusionBLATT, Muk-Funna MOO ritual, and all minor rituals. Protest violently against being made a category of MOOism.

00021. Everybody Else
Title: Nobody, Worthless Loser, Some Dimwit
Number Of Title Holders: Infinity minus one
Current Title Holders: Almost Everyone.
Tenure: Until finding out about MOOism, or in any way fitting into one or more of the previous titles.
Membership Requirements: To have never even heard of MOOism.
Job: None.

00022. Other
Title: Other, Nobody Special, Lord High Chancellor
Number Of Title Holders: Don't ask ME
Current Title Holders: Ann O'Nymous, Half-Mad, Bishoppesse MuPPeT
Tenure: Unclear At This Time
Membership Requirements: To fail to fall into any of the other categories, or to not even exBLATTT.
Job: Complete the necessary 23rd membership rank.

00023. UberSagan
Title: Billions and Billions
Number of Title Holders: Vast
Tenure: Until shrinkage
Membership Requirements: To be a very large number
Job: To denumerate things

0000Q. Nun Of The Above
Title: Nun Of The Above, High Priestess, Someone
Number Of Title Holders (max): n
Tenure: No
Examples: High Priestess Indoctrinate-Me
Membership Requirements: To exBLATTT entirely outside the evil MOOish ranking system.
Job: To confuse the hell out of people.

Confuse-Ing Inter-Rapture #9... #9... #9
Religion will be the medium of the future. Soon we'll see a new church created every time a company has a new product. Instead of advertizing it, they'll CONVERT people to it!