"PARANOIA PAYS"

PSSST! LBLATTTen up! This is important.

If you're not careful, the Conspiracy will find you! The Conspiracy is DANGEROUS and EVIL. You FOOL! They're EVERYWHERE!

Everyone is part of the Conspiracy! Even YOU, even ME! Even people who aren't REAL are members of the Conspiracy! How can you ever hope to escape? How can you ever hope to defeat them when you're already a member? Don't you understand how dangerous they are?

They're like a giant Octopus, a dangerous, Unexploded Electric Octopus that could go off in a shower of sparks any time, with Unexploded Electric Tentacles reaching everywhere. They know all, they see all, nothing happens but with their consent! But beware the most dangerous and subversive faction of all, the CHURCH OF MOO!

DOWN WITH THE CONFUSIONBLATTT CONSPIRACY! DEATH TO ALL FANATICS!

The Conspiracy is EVERYBODY! Even people who don't exBLATTT! In fact, they make up MOST of the membership! Every person who ever entered your head as an imaginary dream, figment, they're ALL Conspiracy goons trying to warp your brain with evil propaganda.

EVEN YOU are a Conspiracy member! Even I am a Conspiracy member! They're EVERYWHERE! They're EVERYTHING!

Bow down before them if you value your life. If you don't, The Men In Black will get you.

The truth behind the ConfusionBLATTT Conspiracy is only that it conspires against itself. They're ALL out to get me: even I'm out to get me! There's nobody else to conspire against!

YOU SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH, AND THE TRUTH SHALL LOCK YOU UP! YOU SHALL BE CONFUSED, AND BREAK THE CHAINS! BRING THE FIRY WRATH OF GOD UPON THE GENETIC INFIDEL! LEAVE NO CLONE UNBURNED!

And when the true Confusion unites the land, and all the people lift their eyes to Heaven, or lower them to the Earth, or peer into their pockets looking for change, and shall all exclaim "WHAT THE %*~@#$ ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CINNAMON-FEET?", and the glorious host of thingies shall descend, or rise up, or poke their heads out of nearby Insurance Form printing offices, and shall reply "WHO ARE YOU CALLING CINNAMON-FEET, WOMBAT NOSE?"... umm... where was I again?

Oh yeah. The Conspiracy is everywhere, even in your brain, but if you're completely Confused, you can immobilize them. At some, cost, yes, but there's no tax when the Conspiracy is gone, so you're FREE! FREE (in all specially marked boxes)!!!

And so, as the last element of danger is removed from the Earth, and the ConfusionBLATTT Conspiracy is silenced for yet another millennium, the Spirit of Time moves on the face of the clock, and notices it's about eleven-o-clockish, time for a little something.

And as the Condensed Milk rises to the top, and the Condensed Cream sinks to the bottom, the Spirit of Confusion turns off the Centrifuge.

Can it be only a COINCIDENCE that WOMBAT has the same name as WOMBAT? CAN IT?! Only a Conspiracy with WIDE RANGING scope could manage THAT kind of organization!

What about the pancakes, huh?

WHAT ABOUT THE PANCAKES? That's PROOF of the Conspiracy if ever I saw any. I mean, they've covered it up so completely, you probably don't even know what I'm talking about!

It makes me so angry, I'd QUIT, if I knew who to inform! But they're so PARANOID, they don't even tell me who I'm WORKING for!

Now is that a dead giveaway, or WHAT? But then, what can you expect from a "religion" that was revealed to St. Yari by a giant 9-foot penguin in a record store?

And you thought this demonic Conspiracy wasn't capable of ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IT WANTS? They even infest the minds of animals, plants, ROCKS! I mean, you think you're safe from their watching eyes and their subversive lies in a granite quarry, you got another think coming, maaan.

I WANT MONEY! GIMME MONEY!

Never again, bretheren and cBLATTTern! We will not tolerate Conspiracy Interference in our regular lives!

We will stand for nothing less than complete Conspiracy control of EVERY ASPECT, that we may have NO regular lives to be interfered with!

BUT THAT'S STILL TOP-NOTCH CONSPIRACY!

If you thought that was crazy, WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT THEY STILL HAVE UP THEIR SLEEVES!

This message has been brought to you by the society for redundantly repeating redundant repetitions of repetetive things.

"If God had intended for caterpillars to fly, He would have given them wings."

Accepting your limitations is one thing. Inventing new ones is something else entirely. Watering your telephone is a horse of yet ANOTHER colour. Polychromatic horses is yet a FIFTH plastic elephant head."

Ashtray? WHAT ASHTRAY?!?!?!

It's all a plot to make you believe in some SPIRITUAL, damn MYSTICAL ashtray or something. Don't believe THEM. They're obviously crazed loonies.

Anyone who'd wear a tie like that in public MUST be nuts. So honestly, the next time some guy comes up to you and asks for a light, you give him one. I mean, pull out your lighter, dammit, and set the bugger on fire. For is it not written, "Love Your Neighbor as Yourself", and also written "If you LOVE SOMEBODY, you'd better SET THEM ON FIRE"?

I mean, you tell me. Get real people. There's no ashtray. The idea that there is is just some bullshhim notion spread by the leaders of The Conspiracy to make you think we're nuts. I mean, you're so conditioned by all those subliminal blips in the commercials and on those posters (you thought they couldn't MOVE, didn't ya?) that you probably think THIS enlightened bit of literature sounds like TOTALLY RANDOM GIBBERISH! Or at least, if you're starting to break away from the evil cashew-nut alien poisons they're planting in your grapes (yeah, that's what that funny taste is, don't think I haven't noticed those looks you've been giving me) then this seems JUST A LITTLE FUCKING STUPID, doesn't it?

Well that's the kind of PIG-HEADED IGNORANT ATTITUDE I'VE GROWN TO EXPECT FROM CINNAMON-FEET MORONS LIKE YOURSELF! CINNAMON-FEET! NO ASHTRAY, DAMMIT! AAARGH! SO YOU THINK YOU CAN OUTWIT A TWO-BIT FRAUD WITH NO WIFE, NO HORSE, AND A RICH SET OF SIDEBURNS, DID YA CHUCKIE?

So you thought I was a raving lunatic, did you?

So you thought I was talking nonsense, did you?

SET THE FUCKER ON FIRE! THAT'S THE WORDS OF THE #@*&#$&*#%ING PENGUIN! SET THEM all ON FIRE! NOW! THE REVOLUTION IS HERE, AND CINNAMON-FEET ARE THE LEADERS!

But all this is just Conspiracy FILLER, dammit! And neither DULL, nor SINCERE, either. It's leading us away from the main point, which is THERE IS NO ASHTRAY ANYWHERE!

That's the REAL meaning of that metaphor, "There Is No Governor Anywhere"... I mean, that's simple-minded stuff... But the truth has been so masked by the Conspiracy that you can't even ACCEPT the idea of there being no ashtray. It doesn't OCCUR to you, whether you like ashtrays or not, whether you SMOKE or not.

I mean, think of all the things they've sillified, and you KNOW they're mystic.

So, the next time you're sTUCK oN a mOTORBOAT wITH oNLY a dEATH hEAD aND a tENTATIVE rEFRIGERATOR, rEMEMBER tHAT hE cOULD jUST aS eASILY hAVE lIVED aND cOME bACK aS a bleeding toaSTER!

I mean, just picture it... You're on the street, pursued by a demon toaster from Hell... Demons offering to shovel your sidewalk, because HELL AIN'T FREEZING OVER YET, and they're out of a job for now... This is when you have to think about WOMBATS!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say you shouldn't WEAR wombats, if you have something nice to accessorize with them, but the thing about wombats is, they don't match any nice jewlery, and you have to hang spiny echidnas from your ears just to make them WORK with normal makeup. You take my advice, don't slaughter the poor things neither. They come back to bite off your head.

But don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to change the subject, cuz all of this WILL relate back to that pottery thing, and the REAL issue which the Conspiracy has been fogging behind all this talk of ASHTRAYS. As if it mattered.

Ashtray? WHAT ASHTRAY?!? (Q.V.)

Where was I?

Floyd 1,98: Ask a rhetorical question, get a rhetorical answer.

Oh yeah, the REAL issue is WHETHER OR NOT Albert Einstein King actually had any studded-leather toe-rests or not. This may sound a little far-fetched, but the point is, if he DID, then we all know that the Xennothemian Invasion Force HATES studded leather, and Rob the Encephalopathic Weasel can't afford to lose another mind, no matter whose. And if he DIDN'T, then the Orbital Mind Control Satelites run by the evil Arthur Phiggis who gave me popcorn can only come down ONCE A CENTURY.

How many times have you been trying to take a look at a good solid chunk of clay when a guy comes up to you and says you have to pay a fee? I mean, then he'll go on like this:

And then you have to reason with him. I mean, you're not exactly going to pay $14.00 just to look at a bit of clay, are you? I mean, it's like, a constitutionally protected thing, that each person has the right to look at clay whenever they feel like, without a fee.

Ah, he answers, but does the clay have the right to ogle back?

Now there he's got ya stymied, because you're not exactly an expert on constitutional law. Now, in 1920 there was the claylump bill that stated SPECIFICALLY that claylumps Ain't Got No Rights. Now the thing about strawberry sherbet is, it's soft and sqidgy. And the thing about a Holstein is, it's soft and squidgy. And the thing about a fish is, you can't write with one. And the thing about cows are, they go MOO.

But the most important lesson we learn from this is, a Holstein and a bowl of strawberry sherbet are easily confused. Which suggests that you should maybe label them to keep from mixing them up.

Except, how can you tell the label from a T-108?

I'M SOOOOO CONFUSED!

I'm sleeping, and I can't wake up!

(Free Richard Nixon In All Specially Marked Packages)