DIARY FOR JUNE 2003 LETTERS TO MY FRIENDS * Newest entries are added to the top of the page * ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Date: Sun, 22 Jun 2003 14:19:06 -0700 (PDT) Hi Karen, The kitty is doing fine today, but she is depressed over the loss of her babies. She has been searching the house for them, and crying. It's very sad and very nerve wracking as she will be sure they are lost in my bedroom somewhere. I'll have to see what the vet says tomorrow about an appropriate date for spaying. The important thing is Doris. You are so right about the love and joy they give us being priceless. You are right that it is good to be getting out of the house. It occured to me today, while I was puttering in my veggy patch, that maybe I have finally grieved my losses enough to be at peace with them. I am so enjoying rediscovering the community and the world. I'm finding that I am OK with my physical limitiations and if others have a problem.. it's their problem. I can do all of it at a nice putter. I've so needed a focus in life, and now I've found one. Huggs Phyllis :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2003 22:24:50 -0700 (PDT) Subject: :-( I just got back from taking an emergency trip to the vets with my little momma cat. Her poor little body was wracked in cramps as if in hard labour again, but all she was expelling was a bit of blood and mucous. And her baby was near dead. We called the vets emergency number, and the doctor and I agreed that I should bring the kitty down because she might have had a kitten stuck inside her sideways, ripping her apart. No kitten, but a high fever and infection. I took the baby down too, and the vet said it was the tiniest kitten she had ever seen. The vet gave the kitty a shot of antibiotic and something to bring down the fever and sent her home .. and the kitten stayed there. It couldn't suck and was having trouble breathing so I asked the vet to put it to sleep. I'm to watch Doris and give her some oral antibiotic first thing in the morning. If she is doing well then spaying surgery can be scheduled for early next week. The vet wants the infection to be knocked down first. So tomorrow I'm back down to the office to let her know how Kitty is doing, to pay for the emergeny after hours visit tonight, and to book a date for spaying. But I'm also going to have to call a list of animal charities to see if I can't get financial assistance for the lot. For me, I could not have spent the night waiting for my kitty and her baby both to die. The vet said it was a good call bringing her down. Don was worried about affording it.. and I was worried about my cat. My vet was more concerned about the cat. They have been our vets for nearly 20yrs. So the vet trip won. I think the fever med must also be a pain med since her pain is down and she had stopped cramping and shaking. She is eating a bit too. I'll be relieved when she is spayed and healed up. No more kittens for my place. Hope you are all doing OK right now.. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2003 12:30:44 -0700 (PDT) Hi Karen, You are so right that men need to be constantly praised. I think that the only reason Don is finally taking fixing my scooter seriously - and I pray that he is- is because without it I can't bring him his lunch at work. He loves it when I bring him freshly baked muffins, and so do his co-workers as I always bring enough for all. That seems to be a point of pride with him. As long as I am doing the little housewife things he's a happy man, and as long as I have the ability to do so I don't mind doing it. But I can't bake without ingrediants, nor buy them without money, nor bring him the warm muffins without my scooter. Yes a cup of tea and a soothing kitty cuddle does work wonders. Thank you for your insight. It's so hard to think calmly when the mind and body goes into "overload". I've had the proverbial "straw that broke the camels back" to deal with and I'm feeling quite broken at the moment. Thank you, dear heart, for your understanding. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2003 11:15:44 -0700 (PDT) Thanks Lyn, I'm wishing that Don would find a care givers support group, but first her would have to accept that he is my caregiver and not the other way around :-{ Yesterday I did take the scooter out to bring Don some lunch, and so far so good. The glued connector is holding so far. But Don did phone around town to find a replacement switch because the one that is there is badly damaged. His boss picked it up since he was out doing a parts run for the shop, and the thing came to $50- for a switch!! Since the boss owed Don some money for some interent work Don did from home- Ebay stuff for the shop- he just handed Don the switch as part payment, which is good since we really didn't have the cash to spare. The trick here will be to see how long it will take for the switch to be installed. I will be very surprised if it happens before the worn one blows. I think you are quite right, that men don't understand what it is we are going through. They don't understand our levels of frustration at being unable to do for ourselves, our grief at our losses, nor the fear and loneliness we face. Don will do the silent thing too. Some times I am glad of it because I'm ready to explode if he does one more stupid thing. It's not like the man has not had time to adjust, I've been having problems health wise since before we were married, and next Monday is our 29th wedding anniversery. So isn't 30yrs long enough?? Nope. It's so very frustrating. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2003 11:44:49 -0700 (PDT) Hi Karen, Yesterday I ended up shouting and crying at Don. He had gone to the library to take back some books and decided to pick me up another book I hadn't asked for , the very book I had told him last week I had already read. Last week, when he presented me with Sure Grafton's "P is for Peril" I told him that I have read all that series through "Q is for Quarry". So what does he bring me home but "Q is for Quarry" and he struts and smiles that he has done me something oh so helpful. But he didn't listen last week and it hurt so much that he didn't listen. Then the man decided to start up our two wrecks of cars to charge their batteries. Neither have insurance or licence. Don then had the nerve to ask me if he should put insurance on the one we had on the road last, the Toyota. That was what the thing that got me angry enough to start shouting. The Toyota has an almost useless reverse, stalls out, and if I need to use the fan or lights or windshield wipers the battery will drain and when I stop I have to haul out a heavy battery jumper unit and jump the battery to get going again. I can't do all that. He won't fix the problems because he can compensate for them. And now that we have our phoneline suspended for back owing how on earth can he justify the cost of insurance and plates?? I cried and cried. I told him how stupid it all was, and cruel. He is not a stupid man, he is known for his ability to retain almost everything anyone tells him about anything.. yet when it comes to me he simply refuses to listen. He has a reputation of being able to fix anything.. and if asked to fix a problem on someones car.. if it is humanly possible he will fix it. But not our car, not my scooter, not our things. I've been waiting 4 yrs for a reliable car, and 6 months for proper scooter repairs. He likes it when I bring him lunch at work, and I asked him how am I supposed to do that when I can't walk there and back without it bringing on total exhaustion, if I can get there and back at all? How am I to shop for his supper? I've found that I can't even get down the road to work on the museum displays without spening so much energy that by the time I arrive I can't remember why I am there and what it is I wanted to do there. I told him that I was ready to give up on everything. I really wanted to just die right then. I had my life outside of the prison of my illness dangled within my grasp only to have him slap it aside again. I've been so exhausted this past week, and struggling with that scooter just drained all the life out of me. You know how it goes, the more exhausted you get, the harder it is to control your muscles, so the harder you have to work to get anything done, and the more exhausted you get doing it.. It was surprising on how little time it took for the man to finally contact the scooter shop.. something I had thought he'd done weeks ago but hadn't.. and start tracking down the switch and connectors. He even took the scooter out to make sure the contact he'd epoxied was holding. Maybe the shaming took hold for a few hours. He even tried to tidy up the place a bit. I doubt it will last for long, his fix it burst. It never does, and I'm not going to put any hope into this one. I may just build him something for his lunch and try out the scooter. If it's still acting up I may just abandon it in front of his shop and hobble home. I'm fed up with the entire mess that is my life. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Date: Sat, 14 Jun 2003 11:13:39 -0700 (PDT) Dear heart, the only time meds make me happier is when they take away my physical pain. Sometimes I will just cry too. So many things can start me crying, little things that remind me of kittens who have died, or of my brother who died, or fear of losing my home and my kitties, or in frustration because I can't take care of myself let alone make things right for the safety and security of my family. I try so hard to have bits of time where I can do a small amount of normal things.. and I always end up in pain and sick for it. This isn't pain that antidepressants can take away. I get so mad when folks tell me to go get some antidepressants. Antidepressants don't help me to solve the problems that are getting me down, all they do is take away my memory and whatever ability I have left to made do with what I have. Somedays I can't stop crying either. <> ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Date: Tue, 10 Jun 2003 10:46:26 -0700 (PDT) Hi Karen, Yes I am finding time for my garden. I'd be lost without it. :-) We are eating lettuce from the garden, and it's so much better than the store bought varieties. Yesterday I decided that I had waited long enough for Don to turn a patch of ground along the side of the house, under the kitchen window. He had cleaned the junk out, after my bugging hime for the past 11 years. So yesterday I grabbed my garden fork and decided to see just how bad the soil was there.. and to my amazement it was very easy digging. A nice patch a meter wide and nearly four meters long, as deep as my fork! I wish I had known this before. Don is looking embarassed for not digging it now. I was able to get a pot of spearmint out of my front rock garden where it was being covered by the new spread of a fir tree, and I rolled the pot around the side of the house to the new planter. The rolling caused the plant to fall out of the pot, so I dug a hole at the end of the planter and plopped it in. I know it will try and take over the place.. but not this year ;-]. I had three tomatoe plants in pots.. and put them in. Then I added some cornflower plants that were weeding up my veggy patch along the wall, and I put three parsley plants towards the edge. The soil was quite dry so I kept throwing water on it. Don could have done it all in 20 min.. and I spent nearly 3 hrs. But I did it. :-] Today we have a more seasonal cool, damp day. I'm hoping for at least one good shower. My body is in slow motion mode today, which is OK with me. My brain is in a bit of slow-mo as well. I'm thinking of having a computer day today. Or maybe it will be a lay in bed and read day. I haven't decided yet :-| Yes, I have been quite busy lately. I'm waiting for it all to fall apart since I have always pushed until I've relapsed in the past. Push until I fall down. Until then it's a case of putter on.. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Date: Mon, 9 Jun 2003 12:46:12 -0700 (PDT) Hi Helen, Yes, I'm feeling tired. Last evening the weekend caught up with me in headache and weakness. Today I'm feeling wilted but as long as I'm staying sitting I'm OK for now. I'm working my way through my email box. Physiclly I am glad the weekend's activity is over. Emotionally I am pleased at how much I managed to do. It know that every time I am active it will likely result in flares of weakness and of neuro malfuntion difficulties. I'm scared of how bad I know it can get for me. So in every instance I'm having to fight against my fears. Thank you, Helen, for being so supportive. <> It helps to have friends who understand the frustrations and the joys of doing what normals can do, even if we can only do if for short periods of time. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Date: Sun, 8 Jun 2003 12:47:05 -0700 (PDT) Hi Helen, It's good when a body can be busy instead of not. ;-] I've been on the busy side of things. The first full weekend in June a salmon fishing derby is held here, with the proceeds going to a children's charity. For the past 12 yrs my daughter has been doing the computer work, sorting out times and weights. She wrote the computer program on the Atari compurter we had then, and with it she can sort for oldest fisher, youngest fisher.. all sorts of different variables. Now she uses an Atari emulator program on a PC to run the program since there does not exist a similar program anywhere that runs on either PC or Mac! This year she borrowed my laptop. The weigh in station is not to far from my home, so I walked over there and spent the afternoon keeping Melody company. She got her work involved and they got to put up a good sized poster/sponsorship ad and she got the hours spent covered by her boss. Her shop also donated an optical mouse and two gift certificates for a hour's free PC maintainance. But for next year, the shop is donating three upper end PC's, which Melody will build and be paid for building on top of being paid to do the computer work for the derby. Next year will be the 25th year of the Wallaby Club Fishing Derby. My brother got us into doing the computer work. He was active with the club that runs the derby and was club treasurer at the time of his death in '96. It's a club of fellows who get togerther, drink beer, and raise money for children's charity. My family gets free food and beer, and we make sure that the tally is honest.. and we help around as extra hand and legs whenever needed. A couple of years there were problems with theives in the partking lot, so we got the biggest of our "kids" to dress in their meanest looking clothes to work security. That stopped the problem. They needed sober hands for take down and clean up, that was my family. It was good for me to be there yesterday. For many years I could not go to the derby site without crying. The event became the biggest family event of the year.. Garry's kids would be there, my kids would be there. And together we were doing good for something much bigger than ourselves. So we still do it, because in doing so Garry still lives on in our lives, and he is still doing a little bit of good in this world. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2003 12:24:02 -0700 (PDT) experiments in living.. (long) Hi my dear friends, I had told you a few weeks back that I was going to try and do some volunteer work at the nearby tourist info center, so I thought some of you might like an update on how this has been going. I managed to do two 4hr afternoon shifts last week, and met a wonderful woman named Sue who has been doing the volunteer stint for five years now. She is also has invisible disabilities, and has been kind to me. I really enjoyed myself. On Monday afternoon I had a migraine hit, which did take the fun out of things. The shift ended at 5pm, and the center closed.. and just before then the volunteer coordinator for the Chamber of Commerce who oversees the info center handed me a sheet of info on a training session happening next Monday and Tuesday. I had told Heather that I'd gladly go if I had a ride, since I don't drive. But I was lead to believe that these things would be short day affairs, like I had done when I took my Museum coordinator course. But I found out that they were two 8:30 am to 5:30pm intensive seminar things.. with homework Monday night. And Heather didn't have a ride for me. Even if I did have a ride, by car the venue is 30-45 min away.. if a person knows the area, and it's being held on the second floor of a building in the industrial part of the Victoria International Airport! I was told it was being held in "Pat Bay".. which doesn't necessarily mean the airport. I was really uncertain about this.. I had no ride confirmed and public transit doesn't go there. Even if it did, how early would I have to be up and mobile to do this? I managed the two afternoons last week only to collapse wednesday evening and be exhausted thursday and friday.. so I really doubted that I could do two long, intensive days without collapsing. I had a quandry.. do I swallow my fear and risk it, or do I play it save and back out? I decided to ask my husband's advice on this. Don didn't like the idea of my going for it one bit. Since we don't have a car on the road he's have no way of rescuing me if I fell ill, and being brought up in the Airport area (Sidney) he remembered how noisy the planes going over can be. I'd forgotten to consider that. One good blast of jet noise and my brain would start scrambling my hearing and I'd be as good as deaf.. two blasts and my vision might start going too, as it sometimes does. Plus, Don feared that if I pushed myself that hard I'd be crashed for the rest of the summer. Don has been very supportive of my trying to do some volunteering in the community, coming up with ideas on how I could do things. This time he was very against it. I called Heather to tell her I would not be able to do the seminar, and as soon as she picked up the call she was running on as to how she had been unable to find a ride for me but she had one more person to check but that person hadn't returned her calls but was coming in tommorow morning so she'd check then.. and when I did get a word in to say "stop" Heather started yelling at me that I had agreed to this and on she went... I had been honest with her about my disability problems, and that I would he happy to take the course if it was held in this area.. I didn't agree to risk my health for it. She was very arguementative.. I must take that course. I tried to explain to her the reasons I couldn't.. and she said that she didn't choose the venue.. it was all Tourism BC's fault [boy can this gal shuffle blame for everything]. But when I calmy said that this entire thing appeared to be set up to discriminate against the disabled, Heather's rant ended and her tone changed from hostile to sugary in a split second. Again she blamed Tourism BC for it.. but agreed that the venue wasn't disabled friendly, nor the format. She nicely agreed that it would be very unfair for the person who drove me there if I took ill during the session and needed to be driven home (which I would not have imposed upon them to do) since they needed the training. But if I couldn't withstand the rigiors of the course, I'd probubly have difficulty with a heavy afternoon at the info desk.. not that she really had any idea how heavy it gets since she hadn't been here last summer. But without the course Tourism BC regs say I can't be there, so she was taking me off the roster. But I could drop by now and then for short visits, and that it would be nice if I dropped by now and then to sy hello.. My reply was that I'd be around working on the Museum displays. [The Goldstream Region Museum shares the building with the Chamber of Commerce, who writes Heather's paycheck. The Museum is stuck in a corner beside the tourist info center.. and currently is a shrunk down version of displays I designed when it had it's own building. (The building and most of the other buildings on the site were bulldozed to make way for a Veterend Memorial Park.. leaving one building that is shared.. and for which the Chamber gets free rent for because it supposedly takes care of the museum displays- which it does not).] Heather sputtered into the phone as if she was choking. There is a strange political dance going on here.. and I find it amusing. I have finally to come to peace with illness robbing me of my former life and I can face the Museum again without any pain or anger attached..and I can play there again. I can't call it work because I enjoy it so much. I can play for two hours and go home and rest.. and no one at the Chamber can deny me access. My hubby is the Museum society president and my friend Sue is the society secretary. My son and daughter both want to come back to play.. both "grew up" with the museum and helped with the exhibits and events. They have connections with others and can help revitalize the Museum in the community. So with the support of my son and daughter I still have a place to go to and things to do. And on a small world note.. I met the web designer for the Chamber of Commerce, and he recognized my name and was most happy to meet me. His mom used to be the person I sent material for the ME Victoria newsletter to! He is a fan of mine :-) I'm pleasantly surprised at just how many people in this area do know my name. Funny world, this..