DIARY - JOURNAL - BLOG - NOVEMBER 2004 PHYLLIS GRIFFITHS LETTERS TO FRIENDS ===================================================================== From wo286@victoria.tc.ca Wed Nov 17 14:12:41 2004 Subject: Re: [ME_FMGigglesAndGrumbles] appologies for being MIA again Thanks Lynn, No, I don't have anyone to stay with me when I'm sick, except for my cats. If I can't look after myself I'm pretty well out of luck :-{ And my hubby isn't very good at looking after the cats needs either. So we look after each other. Huggs Phyllis -- From wo286@victoria.tc.ca Wed Nov 17 14:08:54 2004 Subject: Crying The Blues.. The days are short and dreary in my part of the world. The TV blares annoying "Christmas Shopping" advertising, stressing that you should spend every cent you have and every cent you can borrow to give as many gifts as possible to everyone you know. I know that it's the time of the year that retailers depend upon to make enough money to stay open the rest of the year.. but I find it all so depressing. It's depressing because I am housebound and I am poor. I cannot buy and I cannot give. I cannot go to this concert or that event, the craft sales or the school bake sales. I cannot go, I cannot buy, Please go away.. I will not try! Please go away.. Can you not see? The pain you cause By harassing me? .. sigh.. This list is soo very quiet.. Is anyone else feeling blue and weepy too?? Huggs Phyllis -- From wo286@victoria.tc.ca Wed Nov 17 14:07:41 2004 Subject: Re: [ME_FMGigglesAndGrumbles] Crying The Blues.. I hate Christmas too. It's my most unfavorite time of the year. If a person has a TV or goes shopping, or browse the internet.. the dang thing is impossible to ignore. The biggest stress on me is that my family expects me to be the center of their yule and christmas celebrations.. and no matter what they may say about helping out and it not mattering if I can't do anything fancy I *never* get away from it. I'm isolated so that I can't even do what shopping I can with the money I've got to work with, which is too little for comfort let alone splurgings. On Sunday I broke down in tears.. I was being ignored as usual even though I had made a lasagna for Sunday dinner, which is alot of effort even for a healthy person. But daughter Melody had gone straight to Chris's suite never popping her head my way to say "Hi Mom, I'm here.", and our boarder was downstairs as well after going out for a walk, plus a couple who have hung around with my kids forever had come by to mooch a Sunday dinner.. but again no one popped upstairs to let me know what was going on. Me.. I was hooped from the effort of getting the lasagna made and in the over.. plus I had a stupid phone ring while I was in the middle of the assembly phase which startled me so bad I felt like some demon tazered me in the middle of my back. My poor Panther thought I was having a seizeure and went yelling at the boarder.. who was now on the phone and who yelled at the cat to shut up and go away. Don got home from work and said the place smelt great.. when do we eat? I said I soon.. and asked if he knew where our daughter was. Downstairs, along with Mike, Jacqui and Darrel. I stifled my tears. Oh did that hurt. I'm too exhausted to move, let alone make those stairs. Melody and Chris did come upstairs soon after.. both wanting to know when the supper would be ready. Chris was making garlic bread and ceaser salad. It was only then was I told that Jacqui and Darrel were to be fed as well. I broke down in tears. I felt like the family cook.. not the mom. I went into my room and bawled my eyes out. I did get myself together and supper was put on the table and everyone fed.. but my deep sadness did not lift. After supper everyone but Don and I went downstairs to have a smoke. He did dishes and I helped as I could to clean up. Melody did come upstairs and played a round of cribbage with me before heading home. She said that she was sorry for ignoring me and that if she and her companion were in this area sometime during this week then maybe they might stop by and pick me up to possibly take you out for a bit of shopping, if they had the time and money that is, and maybe they might even take me out for a bite to eat at McDonalds or someplace like that. She knows I avoid McD's because the food makes me ill. Oh, such a loving daughter! I am so tired of feeling ashamed for not doing things up to their expectations and being isolated and ostrecised because of it. I am so ready to just give up on the pain. Life should be more than this, shouldn't it? I don't know anymore. If this, what I have, is the best that life has to offer.. I don't know how anyone can stand it, why anyone would be greatful for being born and alive. I know that this is a long ramble. I don't know if I should even send this along, but I am so desperate that someone listen. Right now an OD looks so very inviting. A nice long bath, best clothes, soft relaxing music.. scrumptious foods. The best luxury I can manage, and then off to sleep. Yes, I really am seriously considering it. I am so tired of pretending to be OK when I'm not OK. I don't think I can manage do pull off even one day of holiday celebrations.. and the stinking family won't do it themselves. They demand that I do it.. that is my job as "Mom".. a job I do not want anymore. I want out. I don't want to hang on and hang in because things won't ever get any better than they are now. I won't get any better physically. I won't get more support, more physical comfort. It just won't happen. It hurts so much in my soul that I can't stand it. But today I live, in spite of the pain and dispair. I see no point in living another day.. but I am here anyways. Huggs Phyllis -- From wo286@victoria.tc.ca Tue Nov 23 12:04:24 2004 Subject: [CA-SIG] chat:panic attacks (was chat-- missing posts) Hi Barbara, Yes, I get those awful panic attacks.. what I call free-floating attacks since they waft in like fog with no identifiable triggers. They will melt away later, in it's own good time. Sometimes all I can do is curl up in a quiet place and work to calm my breathing and mind and hand on until it passes, and hope that no one and nothing intrudes on this "meditation" time or it undoes everything. Once I can cognativly identify that a panic cloud has wafted in I can put an emotional damper onto the thing. It's like putting a lid on a pot of boiling water.. the pot still sputters beside you but the lid keep you from falling into it. I check my breathing in case I'm either hyperventilating or I'm holding my breathe. Then I ask myself when was the last time I ate something in case it's a bit of hypoglycemia generating the anxiety cloud. And I check my daily-pill boxes to make sure I did take my last dose of meds just to be on the safe side. The trick seems to be putting that damper onto things. Just putting the breaks onto the panic.. acknowedging the waves of anxiety but relaxing enough to keep the anxiety from exploding into full force panic. Then I find something to distract myself away from the anxiety. For one thing, I do not watch TV when feeling anxious. That thing is an anxiety trigger for me. It doesn't seem to matter what it is that I do, as long as I do something. Depending in brainfog and current physical ability levels, I try to find something to distract me. Holding a purring cat and getting lost in the purr is thing that can help. Writing in my diary, or in an email is another. Sometimes I get into house cleaning and baking. Other times it's working away at webcodes.. or doing artwork.. writing articles for the lists and my local ME Victoria newsletter. Sometimes the attacks last for minutes, sometimes hours, and sometimes even days. Sometimes I get vertigo along with it no matter how calm my mind is.. and I have to take meds for the vertigo and the panic. That's a last resort.. but if I have to be out of the house or haven't slept and am so exhausted I could cry but cannot sleep for the panic. The anxiety/panic monster is something I wish I knew how to beat once and for all. All I can do is try my best to calm it down and shoo it away when it comes to play havoc with my life. Huggs Phyllis --