CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... APRIL 2004 ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Hum: Tax time again thanks Budd From: KS Dennis was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the Accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, who surely would know the correct answer. He told his Rabbi of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi: "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised 'Wear wool socks and a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: 'Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'" The man did not understand and asked, "But, Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" The Rabbi replied, "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Did You Ever Wonder About??? thanks Michele 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." 3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 11. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 15. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? 16. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 17. Stop singing and read on ...... 18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? 20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 21. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: ouch Thanks Gerry hope this would NEVER happen to anyone I hope this will be accepted here, it was passed on to me, and I almost fell out of my chair while reading it. binky Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up something to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey, the garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, which discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from "Harry and the Twins". Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ... and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about -- which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" Close, but not exactly ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: sign of the times? thanks Doris An elderly couple are having problems remembering things; they decide to go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen." "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Irritated, he says! , "I don't need to write it down! I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: funnies thanks jpchris >A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll >take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" >The agent replies, "Sure, just a minute..." >"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. >__________________________________________________ >The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken >casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And >then you dump the stock. >_______________________________________________ >This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde >wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets >the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those >pants?" >The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by >buying me a drink." >___________________________________________ >Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." >Joe: "Really?" >Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." >__________________________________________________ >A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is >feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor >used in surgery," he answered. >"What did he say?" asked the nurse. >"OOPS!" >______________________________________________ >While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display >of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since >I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's >advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an >all-in-one?" >"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." >________________________________________________ >If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute? >The one that's labeled "IDAHO" >_________________________________________________ Thanks Mae The Vet One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, [the complainer] said OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. And he reminded the vet that it was his wife that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-Cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other. Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is !" And he closed the door ................................................................... Subject: Humor: A real Heroine thanks Budd From: DK MONDAY: Dear Diary ...What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain personally asked me to dine at his table. Great food and lively conversation. TUESDAY: Dear Diary .. I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. It was a very interesting place to be, but I didn't understand all the technical instruments. WEDNESDAY: Dear Diary ... This evening the Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman. While he is an attractive man, I'm not that type of a lady. THURSDAY: Dear Diary Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals! FRIDAY: Dear Diary .... This afternoon I saved 1,600 lives !!!!!! Twice ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Celibacy Thanks Budd From: DK Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters: While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Lucy, listened to the instructor declare, " It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Lucy's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Walter's life of celibacy. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Moses and the Computer thanks Doris Moses & The Lord "Excuse me, Sir." "Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, Sir." "What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?" "How did you guess?" "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?" "Oh, yes; I forgot." "Tell me what you want, Moses." "But you already know, Sir. Remember?" "Moses!" "Sorry, Sir." "Well, go ahead,Moses; spit it out." "Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?" "You mean the Ten Commandments,Moses?" "That's it. I was wondering if they are important." "What do you mean 'if they are important,'Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you." "Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that." "What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?" "No, Sir; I forgot." "You should always save,Moses." "Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forwa! rd them to some people before I lost them though." "And did you hear back from any of them?" "You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?" "Yes,Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning." "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?" "Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that." "I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?" "I think the term is 'spamming,'Moses." "Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer." "And what did he say?" "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?" "They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses." "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them." "We will do it the new way, Moses;using computers!!" "I was afraid you would say that, Sir." "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?" "You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer." "It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?" "No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?" "No, Moses." "One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?" "I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to." "Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'" "Say good night, Moses." "Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the m! ouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back." "Which ones are they, Moses?" "Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'" "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Humor: The Sound thanks Budd From: CR A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange, beautiful sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound. Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed. Late that night, he heard the sound again. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: humour: another blond joke thanks Karen Blonde cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married, her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready." A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Healthy Insanity thanks Valerie Subject: Healthy Insanity Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY 1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN. 2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM, AND DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE. 3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT THAT SUPER-SIZED. 4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT IN. 5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEEMAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO. 6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. 7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY. 8. REFUSE TO USE PUNCTUATION 9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK. 10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT GENDER THEY ARE. 11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THRU ORDER IS TO GO. 12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA. 13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME 14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA, THEN PLAY A TAPE OF JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY. 15. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM, I WON, I WON! THIRD TIME THIS WEEK. 16. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!! 17. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER, DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO. Live well, laugh often, love much. ---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. --------------------------30-------------------------