=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK & ARCHIVES.... APRIL 2005 ================================================================ thanks tweety ************ Deja Vu You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here are some related expressions. Feel like I've... ..milked this cow before: deja moo ..seen this strange animal before: deja gnu ..smelled this bad odor before: deja phew ..visited this menagerie before: deja zoo ..scared this person away before: deja boo ..read this mystery book before: deja clue ..been in this courtroom before: deja sue ..felt this bad before: deja rue ..felt this sad before: deja blue ..expanded this way before: deja grew ..seen this slime before: deja goo ..learned this stuff before: deja knew ..waited in line before: deja queue ..eaten this dinner before: deja stew ..pursued this person before: deja woo ..forgotten this your name before: deja who ..had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too ..seen these twins before: deja two ..used this beer recipe before: deja brew ..been on this airplane before: deja flew ..came up with this innovation before: deja new ..fed these pigeons before: deja coo ..sketched this portrait before: deja drew ..ended this relationship before: deja through ..felt this ill before: deja flu ..sheared this sheep before: deja ewe ..munched on this gum ball before: deja chew ..sat through this sermon before: deja pew ..played in this wet grass before: deja dew ..admired this scenery before: deja ooo ..lost it under the bed before: deja shoo ..exposed the real facts before: deja true ---------------------------------------------------- Punny stories Petey was a snake, only sooo big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit. If you must hiss, go outside the pit and hiss." Petey went outside the pit to hiss. Petey was hissing all around, when he finally leaned over a little and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in the pit, go over to Mrs. Potts' pit and hiss in her pit." But Mrs. Pott was not at home, so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Potts' pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit and said. "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit, go to your own pit and hiss." This made Petey very sad and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, "Petey, what's the matter?" Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Potts' pit to hiss in her pit, but she was not home so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott then came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, "Petey if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own pit and hiss, but don't hiss in my pit." This made Petey's mother very angry. She said, "Why that mean old lady. I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in." ............................................... Thanks EBB THE TWENTY-THIRD PSALM Timmy was a little five-year-old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier she was concerned about him walking to school when he started kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, and at the end of the week he came home and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day. He protested loudly that he wanted to "be like the big boys." So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The friend said, "Well, who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy." "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the psalm it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.' So I guess I'll just have to get used to it!" ---------------------------------------------------- Mrs Henry thanks Budd From: KS The minister asked the congregation to raise their hands if they had forgiven their enemies. About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs. Henry, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." she replied. "Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "I outlived those bitches." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Martha Stewart's Auntie's Garden thanks jpchris ************************************ Last month Martha Stewart's aunt wanted to dig up her potato garden but it was very difficult work for the old woman as the ground was very hard. Her favorite niece Martha, who used to help her with the gardening, was in prison for lying to the government about Insider Trading and Stock Fraud. So, the old woman wrote a letter to her niece and described her predicament: "Dear Martha, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Auntie" A few days later the old woman received a letter from Martha: "Dear Auntie: For heaven's sakes, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks. Love, Martha" At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old aunt's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old woman and left. That same day the aunt received another letter from her niece: "Dear Auntie: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Martha ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: The military Life Thanks Spence At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached an airman and requested a vehicle pass. The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration. Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman asked, "What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?" "No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. "Try Brigadier General." &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor ~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months. ~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls. ~ Repaint your entire house every month. ~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. ~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them. ~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week. ~ On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. ~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in. ~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack." ~ Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. ~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up." ~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. ~ Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. ~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. ~ Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. ~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. ~ Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator. ~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. ~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. ~ Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats) ~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. ~ Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond. ~ Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. ~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. ~ When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. ~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. ~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears. ~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front. ~ Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised. With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks jpchris Puns for fun: . A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. . A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. . A hangover is the wrath of grapes. . A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. . A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. . A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. . A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. . A plateau is a high form of flattery. . Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. . Corduroy pillows are making headlines. . Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. . Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. . Acupuncture is a jab well done. . Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. . Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. . Every calendar's days are numbered. . Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. . Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? . Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? . What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) . Sea captains don't like crew cuts. . A backward poet writes inverse. . Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. . Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. . Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. . If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. . When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. . When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. . When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. . When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. . Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. . With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. . Without geometry, life is pointless. . A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. . A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. . A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. . In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes. . A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. . Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. . I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. . She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. . He had a photographic memory that was never developed. . Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. . You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. . He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. . The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. . A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. . Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor. . Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. . The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. . The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. . Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. . Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Rare Condition thanks jpchris A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Solutions thanks Dazzle A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Do you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my god!" he replies, "You've swallowed my sock!!!" ---------------------------------------------------- ===================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. =========================2005======================================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++