CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK... JUST FOR CANUCKS ================================================== first trip to Quebec Jack and Jill took their first-grader on a car trip to Quebec. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec. When he awoke he saw the French highway signs and said in a worried tone, "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep." _________________________________________________________________ thanks Mae A Newfie Wedding Night A Newfie guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?..... 'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ....an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this, still in the CRATE!" _________________________________________________________________ TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA 1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. 2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown. 3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations. 4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA 1. Big Rock between you and B.C. 2. Ottawa who? 3. Tax is 7 per cent instead of approximately 200 per cent for the rest of the country. 4. Flames vs. Oilers. 5. Stamps vs. Eskies. 6. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of. 7. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country. 8. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN 1. You never run out of wheat. 2. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning. 3. Your province is really easy to draw. 4. You never have to worry about car roll-back if you have a standard transmission. 5. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbour's house. 6. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours. 7. People will assume you live on a farm. 8. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA 1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property. 2. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government 3. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes. 4. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter. 5. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work. 6. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood. 7. Because of your licence plate, you are still friendly even when you cut someone off. 8. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO 1. You live in the centre of the universe. 2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump. 3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election. 4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist. Separate from what? You are the centre of the universe. 5. Much Music's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC 1. Racism is socially acceptable. 2. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians. 3. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next. 4. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada. 5. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo *#!%". TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK 1. One way or another, the government gets 98 per cent of your income. 2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies. 3. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours. 4. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston. 5. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick. 6. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse. 7. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen. 8. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA 1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can. 2. You are the "only" reason Anne Murray makes money. 3. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt. 4. The economy is based on lobster and fiddle music. 5. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND 1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge 2. You can walk across the province in half an hour. 3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea". 4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from. 5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows. 6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave. 7. You can drive across the province in two minutes. 8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates. 9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter. 10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND 1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea. 2. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss dead cod. 3. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products. 4. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse. 5. You and only you understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics. 6. The workday is about two hours long. 7. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines. 8. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day. _________________________________________________________________ The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart 50° Fahrenheit (10° C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens 35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down 32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) American water freezes Canadian water gets thicker. 0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season. -60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door -100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps. -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. -460° Fahrenheit (-273° C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?" -500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup. _________________________________________________________________ The Newfie and the American... A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly American bellows, "That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor."That's a judo chop from Japan," he says. The Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. An hour later, he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. With great pride, the Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Canadian Tire." ................................................... - The Job Interview A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first from Vancouver, say's "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one from Newfoundland say's "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Newfoundlander got the job ........................................................ Newfoundland version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000. "You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" OK. The question is: Which of the following birds does NOT Build it's own nest? (a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush." "I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last Lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance." Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin ell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's just simple loogic......it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick. "I'm fookin sure." Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked the host. Dat it is, Sir." There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo" is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds." "Fer fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives in a clock!" .............................................. = New Quarter Recall OTTAWA -- Hang on to any of the new Province of Newfoundland and Labrador quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Royal Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland and Labrador quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each province. "We are recalling all the new Newfoundland and Labrador quarters that were recently issued", a spokesperson from the Royal Canadian Mint said Monday. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." "The problem lies in the unique design of the quarter, which was created by a Newfoundland engineering student", the spokesperson said. Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated machines." -------------------------------------------------------------- >Rules to Enter Saskachewan > >1. Pull your damned droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. > >2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup >truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get >dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. > >3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They >smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? #1 and #16 go east and >west,#6 and #2 go north and south,Pick one. > >4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines >that are driven only 3 weeks a year. > >5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try >to understand the concept. > >6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL >shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your >ear at the time. > >7. Yeah, we eat Beef and bison. You really want sushi & caviar? It's >available at the corner bait shop. > >8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious >holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. > >9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. > >10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you >can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. > >11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, >vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Barbeque Sauce. > >12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served >over ice. > >You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to >shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. > >13. Curling and hockey is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, >and a dang site more fun to watch. > >14 . Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it >spooks the fish. > >15. Colleges? Try our U of Sask. They come outta there with an education >plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups >when they come for the holidays. ................................................... ==================================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad posts with anyone in need of a chuckle. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of any materials contained in this post. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. =============================30====================================