======================================================= CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK .... IT'S A CAT'S LIFE ======================================================== Personal Ads Gentle cat, conservationist, seeks refined home where manners count more than mousing. ------------------------ Gourmet seeks position as chief food taster. Excellent taste in venison, salmon and other fine meats. Connoisseur of cream. Will indicate quality of all foods tasted with loud purring. ------------------------ Young cat, suffering delusions of lionhood, requires easily scared family. Not yet able to dispatch wildebeest, will practice regularly on local wildlife. ------------------------ Elderly tabby seeks employment as bed-warmer. Will keep bed warm throughout day in return for daily salary of Whiskas and water. Gets along well with similarly inclined felines of all colors and willing to work as a team or will cover additional beds on shift rota basis. ------------------------ Mother's helper seeks post, will undertake dish-licking and general purring. Willing to supervise well-behaved children. No tail-pullers need apply. ------------------------ Retired supervisor, skilled in entertaining children seeks position as nanny/childminder. Has experience working in large unruly household. Very tolerant, has trained large family now living overseas. ------------------------ Daredevil, enjoys living dangerously, seeks untamed wilderness to explore/subdue between breakfast and evening dinner. Will keep territory free of children, dogs, rabbits and other cats. Will contribute towards own meals. ------------------------ Adagio dancer and operatic singer prepared to give exhibitions any time, need board and lodging together. Midnight performances a speciality. ------------------------ Small conscientious cat willing to work hard in return for good home; will tackle and destroy any creature up to a fair-sized moth; will scare away craneflies; not afraid of spiders. ------------------------ Sweet-natured, well-behaved cat, handicapped by enormous size, needs large country estate. Would make ideal companion/chaperone for single person with strong lap, good income and excellent taste in food. ------------------------ Reformed juvenile delinquent seeks position with understanding family. No longer bites unless meals are late. Suitable replacement for guard dog. ------------------------ Retired rodent-control operative seeks position controlling slow or disabled rats, maintaining physical presence or willing to supervise younger cats. ------------------------ Tortoiseshell sisters seek large cat basket, sleeps 2, in well appointed location with en-suite gas-fire. Fully-qualified lap-warmers/purrers, willing to occupy laps on job-share basis. No mousing. ------------------------ Trouble getting up in the morning? Enthusiastic feline alarm clock, preset to 5 a.m. seeks position after previous job fell through. Punctual, seven days/week. ------------------------ Black and white cat seeks neck to warm. Suitable replacement for hot water bottle, does not cool down during night. ******************** kitty dexterity....? http://www.umich.edu/~ryuji/funnycat.wmv ................................. Human Management Quiz for Cats 1. Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean? a) It's hungry b) It's lost c) You're hungry d) Let the begging begin 2. Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this? a) Supper b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat 3. Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean? a) You're in trouble - better not do it again b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again 4. Staircases are for: a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it d) All of the above 5. Your human talks/yells at you. You should: a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior 6. Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are: a) Important to humans and should be left alone b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result c) Annoying and should be removed immediately 7. Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be: a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed) b) Played with until they stop playing c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping e) Consumed for their nutritional value 8. A human giving you a bath should be considered: a) Under no circumstances b) Under no circumstances c) Under no circumstances d) An act of war e) All of the above 9. Your human's value is limited to: a) Providing food b) Providing water c) Letting you out d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship e) Leaving you alone f) All of the above; if properly trained ---------------------------------------------------- Self-Evident Truths About Pets * Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. * Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. * Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. * Dogs shed, cats shred. * I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult? * No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. * Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. * I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. * Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. * We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? * Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. * When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. ---------------------------------------------------- ======================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ======================2005=2006============================ +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++