CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK .... DECEMBER 2004 ======================================================== Subject: Hum: Time Keeper thanks jpchris ************ A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed. "What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot, it's three o'clock in the morning!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: 12 days feline style THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (Feline style) On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me... A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies. On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me.... On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers. On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me... 13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know she was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax. On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me... A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99 On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me... The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall! On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me... The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel. On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me... The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax. On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me... Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents. On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me... My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H. On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me..... The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me..... The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner. On the 12th day of Christmas........ Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card. by Cathleen Twomey ---------------------------------------------------- What's In An Accent? About a two years ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have an accent," she replied. "But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny." "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out." His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?" ................................................... Hawaii or Havaii? These two persons are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced 'Havaii,' or 'Hawaii.' So there they stood arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. So they asked a gentleman: 'Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'' The gentleman said, 'Havaii.' So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, 'Thank you.' The gentleman replied by saying, 'Your velcome.' ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Humor: Message from Santa From: KS Dear Friends I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 piperspiping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa. .................................................... Subject: Hum: slip ups from sports commentators thanks Lichen 1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter) 2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing! (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator) 3. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted) 4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator) 5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett) 6. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator) 7. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman) 8. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach) 9. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach) 10. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977) 11. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio) 12. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield) 13. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall Radio 5 live) 14. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics) 15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh My God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator) 16. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator) 17. True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked... "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" ... Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: "A Meeting of the Body Organs" thanks Mae "A Meeting of the Body Organs" {A LadyHawke Favorite} All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !! ---------------------------------------------------- CHRISTMAS WRAPPING by Dave Barry This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold frankincense, and myrhh. These are simple words, but if we analyze them, carefully, we discover an important, yet often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper." " And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. " "And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saiddith unto him, she saidith, "Holdith it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!" And Joseph DID roll his eyeballs. "And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense." But, these words did not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important and wonderful characteristics. 1. They were wise. 2. They were men. Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so someone can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents Daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said, "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs." I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it in the exact center of a piece of warpping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I'm done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage the sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape. On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills -- like having babies -- that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting: GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift and neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim it's myrrh. The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apples sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick on one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that's sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning: YOUR WIFE: "Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?" YOU: "It's a gift! See? It has a bow!" YOUR WIFE: (peering into trash bag): "It's a leaf blower!" YOU: "Gas powered! Five horsepower!" YOUR WIFE: "I want a divorce." YOU: "I also got you some myrrh." In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt. ---------------------------------------------------- A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus... A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes. Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or with- drawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Budd From: DK "Personal ads" in the Dublin News Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. ------------------------------------------------------ Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. ------------------------------------------------------ Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. ------------------------------------------------------ Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest. ------------------------------------------------------ Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. ------------------------------------------------------ Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. ------------------------------------------------------ Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister. ========================================== ---------------------------------------------------- The Christmas Parrot One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?" The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells", it was a Christmas Parrot. The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas." The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?" The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see." When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chesnuts roasting on an open fire." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Xmas quickies What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake Tarzipan ! Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else ! What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ? "Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " ! What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ? My pop is bigger than yours ! Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey - he's always stuffed ! What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey ! Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ? Your teeth ! We had grandma for Christmas dinner ? Really, we had turkey ! Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ? You get tinsel-itus ! What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y ! ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Elaine WELL ISN'T THAT JUST PRECIOUS Two nicely dressed women happen to start up a conversation while waiting in the private American Airlines club at the Dallas airport. The first woman was an arrogant, self-centered, egotistical Texan, married to a very wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the south. When the conversation centered on if they had any children, the Texan woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built me a beautful mansion." The lady from the south smiled and commented, "Well, isn't that just precious." The first woman continued.."When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the south smiled and replied, "Well, isn't that just precious." The first woman went on.."When my third child was born, my husband bought me an exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again the southern woman commented, "Well, isn't that just precious." The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband do for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," the southern woman answered. "Charm school!" the Texan cried. "Oh my God, what on earth for?" The southern lady warmly responded, "Well, for one thing, instead of saying "Who gives a shit," I learned to say, "Well, isn't that just precious!" ---------------------------------------------------- Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along! (Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland") Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy -- although My boss let me go -- Happily addicted to the Web. All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web! Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter; I say "No, man; I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!" I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web! Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!) ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Holiday Eating Tips thanks jpchris ************************************ 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. 8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? 9. Did someone mention fruit cake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" ---------------------------------------------------- What Song IS This? Here is a list of 20 well loved Christmas songs, retitled last summer by a bored elf with a wicker sense of humour and a trusty thesaurus at hand. Can you figure out what the original names are? 1. Pallid Yule 2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration 3. Seasonal Yearning for Twin Central Incisors 4. Blessed Nocturn 5. Arrival Time: 2400 hrs - Weather: Cloudless 6. Advance Loyal Followers 7. In A Far Off Feed Trough 8. Adorn the Gallery 9. Percussionist Lad 10. Monarchial Triad 11. Placid Post Dusk Period 12. Deity Abate You Mirthful Patrician 13. Red Suit Idol On Cross Country Tour 14. Allow Frozen Precipitation Crystal Fallout 15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle 16. The Northen Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis 17. Query Regarding Identity of Juvenile Descendant 18. Planetary Delight 19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings 20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals * * * * Answers: 1. White Christmas 2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire 3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth 4. O Holy Night 5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear 6. O Come, All Ye Faithful 7. Away in a Manger 8. Deck the Hall 9. Little Drummer Boy 10. We Three Kings 11. Silent Night 12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen 13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town 14. Let it Snow 15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain 16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer 17. What Child is This? 18. Joy to the World 19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing 20. The Twelve Days of Christmas ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Elaine BAPTIST BRAS The man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "a Baptist Bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Lately most of our customers want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type." Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?" The lady responded, "It is really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen. And the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright." He mused on that information for a minute and asked, "So what is the Baptist type for?" "They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills." BRA SIZES Have you ever wondered why the letters A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed! {A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake {G} Get a Reduction.. my back is killing me! {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Christmas Fairy Thanks Andy Santa was having a bad day! The reindeer were sick. The elves were getting behind with the orders. Santa's temper was fraying badly. Then the Christmas trees arrived. One small fairy brought one into Santa's office and naively asked where she should put it. And that's why the fairy always sits on the top of the Christmas tree. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks jpchris New Illness A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my ass coming into work today." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Ole and Lena thanks jpchris Yust you vait 'til you read dis vun .. Ole and Lena start a family..... So anyvay, late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink it's time!" Ole fired up the Yon Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby. She delivered a boy, and the doctor looked at Ole and said, "Hey, Ole! You yust had a son! Ain't dat great? " Vell, Ole got excited by dat, but yust den the doctor spoke again, saying, "Hold on! We ain't finished!" The doctor den held up a girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a dawter! She's a pretty little ting, too." Ole was kinduv puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Holey Moley Ole, we ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted! A couple days later, Ole brot Lena and the triplets home in the self-propelled combine. In a real serious tone, he asked Lena, "How cum we got tree on da first shot?" Lena said, "Oh, Ole! You remember da night we run outuv Vaseline and you vent to the garage and got dat der 3-in-1 Oil?" Ole said, "Yah, I do. Uffda! It's a gud ting I couldn't find the WD-40! ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Elaine DUSTY UNDERWEAR One morning a husband took a pair of underpants out of the drawer. "What the ?@& ?" he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back, "It's not talcum powder ... it's Miracle Grow!" ---------------------------------------------------- The perfect gift for most anywoman... chocolate.. *Chocolate Christmas* Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care, In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there. While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below. When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick. The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer, I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox. From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds; now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess. My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger beside my heartburn Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by. And I mumbled again as I turned for the night "In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: assistance please.. After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Bob there?" I asked. "He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Bob," he said. "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour." ---------------------------------------------------- One Christmas.. Chocolate Christmas Eve Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care, In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there. While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below. When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick. The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer, I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox. From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds; now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess. My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger beside my heartburn Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by. And I mumbled again as I turned for the night "In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!" ............................................. One Not... Flight Fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water". "Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified. "Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs". "And if I use it, the sharks won't eat me?" asked the little lady. "Oh, probably not, but they won't enjoy it as much". ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Rudolph The Red A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. We, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the husband said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear." ---------------------------------------------------- ======================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. =====================2004============================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++