CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... FEBRUARY 2004 ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ------------------------------------------------------ Subject: hum: Lion Pun A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Don't try to read between the lions. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy. "I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..." "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?" "Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Humor: The Farmer & the Chicken Thanks Budd AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO CHUCKY GOES." "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT, "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER." THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS PANTS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, ENTERED THE THEATER AND SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNZIPPED HIS PANTS SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE. "HE UNZIPPED HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE, "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL." "I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN"!!! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Letters of complaint thanks Karen Oh the joys of the English Language....... These are genuine clips from housing council complaint letters in Britian It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the Man on top of me every night. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: in conversation thanks Becky I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Humor: ain't it the truth thanks Budd From: KS 1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said. "Implants?" She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. 13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 14. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America? 15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail.....but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Pick me up thanks Mae MY HUSBAND IS 70 YEARS OLD AND LOVES TO FISH. HE WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT THE OTHER DAY WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP." HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANYONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP." HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG. MY HUSBAND SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME"? THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'll TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST WONDERFUL SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF." MY HUSBAND LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET. THEN THE FROG SAID,"WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD." HE OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Farm Wages thanks Budd From: DK A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco." "A ha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!" "You're talkin' to him," said the farmer. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Humor: College grads thanks Budd thanks Budd A Guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good looking! How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!" Eyes now wide with interest, guy responds, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm you with?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: the backwards collar thanks karen A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Burma Shave thanks Mae Trains don't wander All over the map 'Cause nobody sits In the engineer's lap Burma Shave She kissed the hairbrush By mistake She thought it was Her husband Jake Use Burma Shave Remember these? For those who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before the Interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more of the actual signs: DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING NURSE Burma Shave BY CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER Burma Shave SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT ITS A BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave And my all time favorite: PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave Do these bring back memories?? If not, you are such a child. If they do, you're older than dirt, like me! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Humor: Oldie but Goodie thanks Budd Fom: KS LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW in the USA MARINE CORPS Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Hoggatt boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Gail ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold Age 8, Nashville Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a goodboy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete Age 9, Phoenix Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Age 11, Anderson Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermonabout a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty Age 10, New Haven Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette Age 9, Albany Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen Age 8, Chicago Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen Age 9, Tacoma Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important then money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor Age 12, Sarasota Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie Age 10, New York City Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen Age 9, Athens Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander Age 10, Raleigh Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua Age 10, South Pasadena Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph Age 11, Akron Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie Age 9, Lewiston ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum:[cjs] two old ladies thanks Karen Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [cjs] Funnies thanks Spence Walking through Chinatown, a tourist turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Sven Svensen's Chinese Laundry." "Sven Svensen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Sven Svensen's Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is legal name of owner, me." "You? How did you ever get a name like Sven Svensen?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when I come to this country, I was stand in line at Documentation Center. Two men in front were big blonde Swedes. Lady look at first one and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'My name Sven Svensen.' Lady look at second one and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'My name Sven Svensen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'" "I say, 'Sem Ting.'" ___________________________________________ An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest hills I can find at the crack of dawn." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a dirt biker." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 117 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [cjs] all drugs have two names thanks Mae In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. Aftercareful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and of course, ibepokin. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum:[cjs] Texas VW thanks Budd A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum:[cjs] Idiot Sightings. thanks Doris This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?" IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTING I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." IDIOT SIGHTING The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" IDIOT SIGHTING I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." From wo286@victoria.tc.ca Fri Feb 6 12:09:29 2004 Date: Fri, 6 Feb 2004 11:38:10 -0800 (PST) From: P. Griffiths To: Cybermouse Joke Squad Subject: hum: [cjs] The Ostrich thanks Doris THE OSTRICH A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What s yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something. But you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [cjs] car accident excuses thanks Sue The following are a few explanations given by drivers as excuses for their car accidents: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished. I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [cjs] Bessie, my favourite mule thanks Gwen A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'? Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?" "Now what the hell would you say?" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Lainey Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages: 10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you. 8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call. 7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money. 5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message 4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner. 3. Hi. Now YOU say something. 2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages. 1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right.. real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Rambo Granny thanks Budd The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles. The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through. The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in. Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal. ...................................................................... Subject: hum: BLOND MEN... thanks Karen There were two blonde guys working for the city works  department.  One's job was to dig a hole and the other would follow  behin d him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest,  on e guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. o  he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting  int o your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner  follow s behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is  sick today"...........     ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: funnies thanks spence *How To Lose Your First Case* A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina. A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury. "Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box." :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Books To Read Strategic Defense in the Space Age by Ray Gunn Manned Planetary Expeditions Vol. 1: Mercury by Hugo Furst Projectile Motion by Fah Ling The Complete Do-It-Yourself Guide to Amateur Astronomy by I.C. Stars The Physics of Rotation by S. Pining Science Education Today by I. Noah Little The Statistical Variations of Scantron Test Keys by Noah Lot Computers by Kent Standm The Little Yellow Stream by I. P. Freeley :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: *Read The Label* It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower. After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf. The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm. When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet. Her response still rings in my ears - "I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!" After shaving my armpits in order to lift my arms and hours of laughing by my entire family I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: group of blondes thanks Karen A group of blondes in a class at Clemson University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess. An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do.  He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed:  "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: THE BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER (fwd) thanks Mae THE BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards! Dear Mr. Baker, As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts. 1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration. 3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never mess with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time! Wishing you a grand and glorious day, ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Men.. Thanks Brooke He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear pants don't you? He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror! On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not" Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them. Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer. Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature. Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened. Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! Have a good day!! ---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. --------------------------30-------------------------