=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK & ARCHIVES.... FEBRUARY 2005 ================================================================ thanks MAe Riddles 1. Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California? 2. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? 3. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not? 4. Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I? 5. How are a jeweler and a jailer alike? 6. If you were to take two apples from three apples, how many would you have? 7. I'm not an airplane, but I can fly through the sky. I'm not a river, but I'm full of water. What am I? 8. In a tunnel of darkness lies a beast of iron. It can only attack when pulled back. What is it? 9. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? 10. In what year did Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall in the same year? Answers: 1. Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California? No, because he's dead. 2. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? She lives in the Southern Hemisphere, where the seasons are reversed. 3. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not? Penguins are native to Antarctica. 4. Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I? A ton. 5. How are a jeweler and a jailer alike? The jeweler sells watches and the jailer watches cells. 6. If you were to take two apples from three apples, how many would you have? Two, what you take is what you have. 7. I'm not an airplane, but I can fly through the sky. I'm not a river, but I'm full of water. What am I? A cloud. 8. In a tunnel of darkness lies a beast of iron. It can only attack when pulled back. What is it? A bullet. 9. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? You can't take a picture with a wooden leg! You need a camera. 10. In what year did Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall in the same year? It happens every year. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Doris PRETTY SMART "OLDER" WOMEN!! An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know. I just did! ---------------------------------------------------- At the bank... While waiting in line at the bank, a Bob developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took Bob's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check. "Why not?" Bob asked incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000." "It CAN'T be!" he cried. "You have GOT to be kidding!" "Yes, I am," she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone." *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Balancing Act.. Tired of having to balance his wife's checkbook, Bob made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise. The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, she said proudly, "There! I've done it! I made it balance!" Impressed, Bob came over to take a look. "Let's see...mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, 615.00. What is that?" "Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!!!" ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Dazzle ------------------------- The Outhouse ------------------------- Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." . So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole." Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite .. shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't cut that un in the kitchen!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: An easy professional quiz... thanks Elaine The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question! 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him there -- this tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Haven't you been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers had several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of four-year-olds. Send this out to frustrate all your smart friends! ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Tweety A Frightening Flight The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier while I was talking to you. The flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "You should see the back of mine." --------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: proverbs Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.     *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.     *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.     *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball wrong: man! with four balls not able walk.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.   *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet high on pot.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.      *~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~* Man who fart in church sit in own pew.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget.      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ---------------------------------------------------- On the slopes One of the most lucrative clients of a ski instructor at an Adirondack winter haven was a fat lady who took exactly fourty lessons before before she mustered up sufficient courage to actually attempt the gentlest bunny hill in the vicinity. She negotiated the first ten yards on her skis in great form. The final hundred and twenty yards was done on her very ample posterior. The instructor pulled her out of the snow bank at the bottom of the run and told her gravely, "That was splendid, just splendid. All you have to do now is eliminatel the middle track." (adapted from a joke in "Laughter Incorporated" by Bennett Cerf.1950) ---------------------------------------------------- Darwin Award thanks Budd Even though this person is still living he has removed himself from the gene pool and thus should qualify. B Rugby fan cut off his own testicles 8 February 2005 A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles after his team beat England, police confirmed today. The man was rushed to hospital after the incident at Leigh Social Club in Caerphilly, South Wales. A Gwent Police spokeswoman said: "We received a call from the ambulance service at approximately 9pm on the 5th to inform us of a situation at the Leigh Social Club in which a man had indeed severed his own testicles." She said the man was taken to Heath Hospital but could not confirm his condition. It was reported that the man told his friends: "If Wales win I'll cut my own balls off." After the 11-9 victory in the Six Nations clash, the man is reported to have gone outside and severed his testicles before bringing them back into the club to show fellow drinkers. A local was reported as saying that the man was on medication and should not have been drinking. ---------------------------------------------------- Return as a Hen thanks Tweety Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!" ---------------------------------------------------- circle flies thanks JPChris A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. As the trooper proceeded to write the ticket he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are.....I never heard of Circle Flies." The farmer said, "Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. They're called Circle Flies because they're almost always found circling around a horse's butt." The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies, though." ======================================== Housecleaning Hints Thanks Tweety Housecleaning Hints -- Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone. -- Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.) -- Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.) -- Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive." -- Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes." -- General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time. -- Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean. ---------------------------------------------------- ===================================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ===================================================================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++