=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... FEBRUARY 2006 ================================================================ thanks EBB ********** LITTLE PEDRO It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a recent Mexican restaurateur immigrant, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro's, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" said the teacher. "Now who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro: "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001!" The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." ---------------------------------------------------- Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse Joke Squad Archives and Joke Books are at: http://www.victoria.tc.ca/~wo286/jokesquad.html -------------------------------------------------------- From wo286@victoria.tc.ca Wed Feb 15 13:25:17 2006 Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2006 13:02:53 -0800 (PST) From: P. Griffiths To: Cybermouse Joke Squad Subject: Hum: sex-rated Thanks Budd *********** A Quickie From: DK John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by!" A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike." "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??" "Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too." .......................................... Thanks Budd *********** Hookers From: KS A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mom," said the little boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," She replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the boy asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them are cab drivers" she said. ....................................... Thanks Budd *********** What a Coincidence From:KS A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too." She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Elaine ************* Employees and Sports 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance-level employees is BOWLING 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become... ---------------------------------------------------- Bert and Mabel at the Pearly Gates Bert and Mabel were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." Bert asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." Bert looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." Bert looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" heasked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." Bert glared at his wife and said, "You and your f *****g bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago !" ---------------------------------------------------- Old Jake takes a young bride At 85 years of age, Jake marries Lou Anne. A lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Jake should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes; the door opens and there is Jake, her 85 year old groom, ready for "action." They "unite as one." All goes well; Jake takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Jake. Again, he is ready for "action." Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, Lou Anne consents to more "conjugal bliss." When the love-birds are done, Jake kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but Jake is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year old, ready for more passion. Once again, they enjoy one another. Now as Jake prepares to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Jake." Jake, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?" ---------------------------------------------------- Kid Stuff A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way." ......................................... Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night. ---------------------------------------------------- Qantas gripe sheets Thanks Karen ************ After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.Enjoy! > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. > P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. > P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. > P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. > P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. > P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. > P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. > P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. > P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. > P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. > P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. > P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget ---------------------------------------------------- Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia thanks Budd *********** Those people down under really have a strange sense of humor. But I guess we would have a strange sense of humor also if we were standing upside down all the time. Budd From: CM Man walks into his bedroom, with a sheep under his arm, and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Budd *********** From: KS Y'all After the southern tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"* "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink." ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks jpChris ************** Old Men An elderly man in Northern Mississippi had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast. .......................................... NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME OPEN TO MEN ONLY Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include: DAY ONE HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS Step by step guide with slide presentation TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Round-table discussion DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics) DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among a panel of experts. LOSS OF VIRILITY Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum DAY TWO EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role play HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real life testimonial from the one man who did IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER Online class and role playing HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring your calendar or PDA to class GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME Individual counselors available ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks jpChris ************** Stoned Monkey A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!" "Duuuuuuuuuude!" the Monkey says when he looks down. "How much water did you drink?!" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Thanks jpChris ************** Attributes The Five Attributes of the Perfect Woman: 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a good job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you. And... 5. Its very, very important that these four women don't ever find out about each other. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Thanks Budd ************ Seahawk Fan From: LT In a school just outside of Pittsburgh, a first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a Steeler's fan. She asked her students to raise their hands if they were Steeler's fans too. Not really being a Steeler's fan but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands went up into the air. However, there was one exception. A little boy named Timmy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked him why he had decided to be different ... "Because I am not a Steeler's fan" says Timmy. The teacher then asked, "What are you?" Timmy says "I'm a Seahawks fan." The teacher was a little perturbed now, her face slightly red, she asked Timmy why he was a Seahawks fan. " Well, my mom and dad are Seahawks fans so I'm a Seahawks fan too." The teacher was now angry. "That's no reason" she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot?" Timmy smiled and said, "Then I'd be a Steeler's fan." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Thanks Budd *********** can you read this? It is interesting but appears to be true. It sure plays heck with the spell checker though. B I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Tihs is vrey itnesritneg. It mkes me wndeor if I culod wtrie lkie tihs in an epxdiaent menanr. Hwoveer, I hvae fnuod taht it is vrey dfficuilt to wtrie lkie tihs wehn unsig wdros sveen ltetres and lnoegr. The mthoer sihp of all wrdos tpynig lkie tihs is pobrblay seuprclaafiariglitscepxiadiciuols. Not srue on the slelpnig trehe. Hvae a gerat envenig ernevoye! bba ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Ebb ********** Dog Philosophy The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3 a can. That's almost $21 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery story with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' -Dave Barry Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. -Phil Pastoret My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ....................................... 1981 v. 2005 YEAR 1981 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died. YEAR 2005 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe. 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died. In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope. ---------------------------------------------------- ===================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. =========================2006======================================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++