CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... JANUARY 2004 ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ------------------------------------------------------ Subject: hum: [cjs] blond joke thanks Karen A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and, sure enough, sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum:[cjs] Funny pages thanks spence Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?" ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first patient and the patient replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain of the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, As langs my airm." Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds, "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant, "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?" "No" replies the doctor, "This is a serious Burns unit." ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( A boy with a pea shooter, ran out of ammunition, and discovering a box of laxative pills, tried one in his blow gun. To his great joy, it fit. There was a boarding house near by, and every Wednesday noon a big pan of custard was placed upon the window sill to cool. From his vantage ground in the window of another house, the boy shot all the pills into the custard. The boy soon found out that he was an expert marksman and the Wednesday custards became history. ******************************************* The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!" ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [cjs] Biker little old lady.... thanks Mae Biker little old lady.... A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, " I want to join your club." The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, " Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep ... my bikes parked over there," and points to a Harley in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep ... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, Last Question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope...but I've been swung around by the nipples." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum:[cjs] Too Cute! thanks Val >Bet you can't resist forwarding this ONE!!!! I couldn't. >If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it >apart to remove the sports section >Buy a dog. >If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy >of seeing you >Buy a dog. >If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never >says its not quite as good as his mother made it >Buy a dog. >If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and >wherever you want >Buy a dog. >If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn >about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies >Buy a dog. >If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your >feet and whom you can push off if he snores >Buy a dog. >If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you >are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word >you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you >unconditionally, perpetually >Buy a dog. >But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you >call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the >place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat >and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his >happiness . . . >Then my friend, Buy a cat! >(You thought I was talking about men didn't you!) ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae FASHION Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50 or hovering over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. In-line skates and a walker With these guidelines I'm sure we'll all be LOOKING GOOD ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [cjs] the little blue pill thanks Gerry An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee and he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things go." A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went. "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible doctor!" What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped the Viagra into his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping me clothes and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was TERRIBLE!" What was 'terrible'"" said the doctor. "Was the sex no good?" "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in that coffee shop again." ---------------------------------------------------- The Silent Treatment Jack and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment". But then Jack realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the "war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." The next morning, Jack woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends would have left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up." Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: [cjs] oh oh - been diagnosed with AAADD thanks Gerry Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC! ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Spence *Brain vs Brawn* The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in." ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done. As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place. The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van. I told them my fee: $45. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae Ain't it the truth!! Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story. While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971. Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum:[cjs] blondes thanks Karen 1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? (You have to hollow out the head.) 2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.) 3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? (It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.) 4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? (They drowned during Spring Training.) 5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the other side.) 6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.) 7. How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.) 8. Why do blondes have more fun? (They're easier to amuse.) 9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? (Frosted flakes.) 10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? (They keep breaking them with their hammers.) 11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She missed.) 12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? (Data transfer.) 13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.) 14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? (She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.) 15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? (She needed them for the darkroom she was building.) 16. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? (You get to park in the Handicapped Zone) ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Sheila There are some good ones here. Subject: The Mind of Steven Wright THE MIND OF STEVEN WRIGHT If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are more of his gems: 1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3- Half the people you know are below average. 4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. 10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 12- OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. 20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film! ---------------------------------------------------- thanks spence The Twenty and the One A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?" :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note- books?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry." "Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman. "Nope. Don't have that." "Wow!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stupid store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key." ?????????????????????????????????????? Goat for Dinner The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too." &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Tell Tale Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work... - You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2004 - You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis. - You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island. . . - You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. . . - People come into your office frequently... to borrow pencils from your ceiling. . . . - The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements. . . +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ What a teacher says and what he/she really means. 1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. Really means: He was caught cheating on a test. 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability. Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes. 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met. 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all quarter. 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away. 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working. 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument. 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. Really means: He's a bully. 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond. 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers. 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide. 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade. 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. "Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Martin was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the job centre he was offered work at the local Zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped by to see how Martin was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked him. "I can't believe it" said Martin "I just opened the door and then.....Whooooosh!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum:[cjs] turbulence thanks Karen The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'" "So I took up a collection."   ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Linda Who Am I??? One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning" We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I." The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you! play that?" Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed four or five times." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum:[cjs] Joy of hunting? thanks Budd Barry was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it...... Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or ... we have sex." After considering briefly, Barry decided to accept the latter alternative... So the black bear had his way with Barry. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Barry soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a big mistake, Barry..... That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Barry thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Barry. Although he survived, it took several months before Barry fully recovered. Now Barry was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said: "Admit it Barry, you don't come here for the hunting, do you? ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum:[cjs] A life shared... thanks Doris A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came overto their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady: "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" "The teeth," she answered. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae NAMING THE FATHER FOR CHILD SUPPORT IN ENGLAND The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. 01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: [cjs] Good advice thanks Karen Good Advice  1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet!!! 2. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple car payments!! 3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day!! 4. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works!! 5. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it!! 6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield!! 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket!! 8. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything!! 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!! 10. If you lend somebody $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it!!   ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [cjs] Old Timers Bar thanks Budd From: DK Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar, ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor,beer, all the same." "Wow. That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida, they're waiting for happy hour." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: humour:[cjs] Chuckles Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ These days, with all the emphasis on one's physical fitness, a new organization has sprung up called "Athletics Anonymous." When you get the urge to play golf, tennis, go power-walking or bicycle riding (or anything else involving a type of physical activity), they send someone over to watch TV with you until the urge passes. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs." The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?" The girl said, "I don't know. I don't eat cats." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [cjs] One Liners - AMEN!! thanks Mae Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews. Many folks want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever. Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion....." If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed and permanently set. Peace starts with a smile. Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. Don't put a question mark where God put a period. Forbidden fruits create many jams. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. God grades on the cross, not the curve. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!" God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. He who angers you, controls you! If God is your Co pilot - swap seats! Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty! The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. We don't change the message, the message changes us. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. "Father, bless the person reading this in whatever it is that You know he or she may be needing this day!" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae My Work Out Routine My internist told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I agree, but my body is out of shape, so I've worked out this easy daily program which can be done anywhere and any time: Monday: Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade through paperwork. Tuesday: Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of mole hills. Hit the nail on the head. Wednesday: Bend over backwards. Jump on the band wagon. Balance the books. Run around in circles. Thursday: Toot my own horn. Climb the ladder of success. Pull out the stops. Add fuel to the fire. Friday: Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball rolling. Go over the edge. Saturday: Pick up the pieces. Whew! What a workout! You're authorized to use this program, and to pass it along to others whose physicians have recommended an exercise regimen. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Doris Eternal Truths 1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. 4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 6. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 7. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color. 8. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 9. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. Some days are a total waste of makeup. [IMAGE] 13. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. 14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 16. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 18. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 20. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Keep smiling, it makes everyone .... wonder what you've been up to. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [cjs] flower show thanks Karen Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"  "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.  As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.  Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.  "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.  "I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement."  ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum:[cjs] the magic amusement part A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic Amusement Park.  One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool.  On the way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her favorite drink, and hey-presto they would land in a pool full of this drink.    So off they went.  The brunette went first.  On her way down shouted out, "Vodka" at the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka.  After filling several bottles and glasses she went home, happy but a little unsteady.    Next the redhead -- who loved a 10 year old malt, went flying down shouting, "Whisky," and of course into a pool of whisky she fell.  She had to be dragged away practically unconscious.    Now it was the blondes turn.  She was very excited, and on her way down she was enjoying the ride so much she shouted -- "Weeeeeee"...... Subject: hum:[cjs]For Those Who Enjoy the English Language... thanks Laith For Those Who Enjoy the English Language..... · Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. · A backward poet writes inverse. · A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. · Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. · Practice safe eating--always use condiments. · Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. · A hangover is the wrath of grapes. · Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. · Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? · Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. · Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. · When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. · A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. · What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway. · Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. · In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. · She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. · A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. · If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. · With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. · When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. · The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. · You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. · Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. · He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. · Every calendar's days are numbered. · A lot of money is tainted--It taint yours, and it taint mine. · A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. · He had a photographic memory that was never developed. · A plateau is a high form of flattery. · A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. · Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in The end. · Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. · Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. · Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. · Acupuncture is a jab well done. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: [cjs] This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Wisconsin thanks Mae This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Wisconsin: A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on , it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they, (and the new Navigator truck), are standing. They don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially thing's thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck. The men continue to yell as they run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master. Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!! And you thought you were having a bad day --- ---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. --------------------------30-------------------------