=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK & ARCHIVES.... JANUARY 2005 ================================================================ Thanks JPChris The Irishman's daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "Okay, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deed to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million pounds. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club . (takes a breath) .. and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it you said you had become?" The girl, crying again, replied, "Sniff, sniff ... A prostitute Dad! . . .sniff, sniff .." "Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!" ............................................................ thanks Karen 1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." 6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and "A beer please, and one for the road." 8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual." 10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. 11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog'scross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put himdown." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." 13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Burning Questions You always woundered... If a prune is a dehydrated plum, what is prune juice? How do they get the seeds out of seedless watermelon? If carrots develop better eye-sight, how come you always see so many dead rabbits on the side of the road? If fruit is meant to be eaten, why are some types poisonous? Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape? Why does 10 pounds of groceries generate 50 pounds of garbage? Why does 2 pounds of chocolate add 10 pounds to your waistline? Why do you only crave fast food after the restaurant has closed for the night? Why do you get round from eating square meals? Why does food that tastes the best have the highest number of calories? Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Is it possible to buy something specific in a general store? Why don't crackers ever break on the perforations? Why is it called Grey Poupon when it's really yellow? Why is it that the other queue always moves faster? Why is it that they put expiry dates on preservatives? Why does mold consistently become a color opposite of its host (i.e. white on dark stuff and dark on white bread)? If you are what you eat, haven't you eaten yourself? Are Cheerios really doughnut seeds? Why do they call it chili if it's hot? Just how much is much? And when you eat a lot, why do we always eat two of them? What's the difference between a pioneer and an illegal alien? ---------------------------------------------------- Self-Evident Truths About Pets * Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. * Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. * Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. * Dogs shed, cats shred. * I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult? * No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. * Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. * I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. * Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. * We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? * Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. * When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. ---------------------------------------------------- >Liquor warnings: >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell >happened to your bra and panties. > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are > whispering when you are not. > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a > retard. > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends > over and over again that you love them. > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can > logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you > are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are > laughing WITH you. > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting > your ass kicked. > > WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel > gode. ======================================== Subject: Hum: Ole"s 21 Birthday thanks Budd From: KS All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July". ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Answers! thanks jpchris Answers to those burning questions ********************** 1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? No. It indicates a neat-freak with too much time on their hands. 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Would YOU want to bathe in colored water; especially colored butt water? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? No, 'cuz everyone's f****g their old one into oblivion. 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? They believe in the "Refrigerator Fairy." 5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? Considering that they have to put the warning label on hair dryers, "Do Not Use While Bathing," probably the whole loaf to save time. 6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? One word: Attention Deficit Disorder! 7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? Murphy's Law 8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures? They're trying to figure out the old joke, "How Many Bugs Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb." 9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? That's a no-brainer! Check out men's underwear! (or at least what's left of the elastic band) 10. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? See #7 11. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? Tell me about it. I've sold the cardboard box I live in a dozen times so far. 12. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes? Because they're smart enough to keep their mouths shut. 13. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? I did. Now I have to redo it again. 14. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. I guess this means the other 3 are enjoying it? ---------------------------------------------------- Brain Cramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. `````````````````````````````````` "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ```````````` "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ````````````````````````````````````````````````` "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ````````````````````````````````````````````` "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ````````````````````````````` "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. ``````````` ````````````````````````````````````````` "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. ```````````````````````````` "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark `````````````````````````````````` "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President ``````````````````` "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle `````````` " It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"--George Bush, US President `````````````````````` "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca ``````````` "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. ````````````````````````````````````````` "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. ```````````````````````````````````````````` "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ````````````````````````````````` "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President `````````````````` "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP `````````` "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery ``````````````` "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ```````````````````````````````````````````` "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ```````````````````````` ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: beer toast Thanks Budd, From: DK Johnny O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: exchanges between airline pilots and control towers thanks Mae Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world. Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ============================================================ "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ============================================================ From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" ============================================================ O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." ============================================================ A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." ============================================================ A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ============================================================ There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." ============================================================ Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot." ============================================================ A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." ============================================================ Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." ========================================================== One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ============================================================ The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land." ============================================================ While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Two Trees thanks Budd -- From: G & T It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." ---------------------------------------------------- The Joke's On Joe.... Hillbilly Joe and his two Indian friends were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, He raced into the cave tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of a Newspaper read..... "NAKED HILLBILLY FROM KENTUCKY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN." ---------------------------------------------------- ===================================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ===================================================================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++