=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES-----JANUARY 2006 ================================================================ Thanks Karen ************** Why, Why, Why Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Chinese Proverbs *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fart in church sit in own pew. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Thanks Dazzle ************* -- Stumpy and Martha Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, And ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and Not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars. ---------------------------------------------------- smart answers thanks Karen ************ 1: It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. ************************************************ 2: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat. She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." ************************************************* 3: A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." ************************************************ 4: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. ************************************************* 5: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." ************************************************** thanks JudyB New Year's Here We Come: THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENESS & SOBERING UP! "from a guy's perspective [of course]" DRUNKENNESS *Stage 1 - CLEVER: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER. *Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE: This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. *Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present. *Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. AT this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway. *Stage 5 - INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words. SOBERING UP *Stage 1 - STUPID: As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now stupid and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours. *Stage 2 - UGLY: Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing in the morning you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking. *Stage 3 - POOR: Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of kebab on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket might have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe your friends. *Stage 4 - FRAGILE: As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensure that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you. *Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS: This the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and it's cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Farmers from Montana Thanks Budd *********** Three retired gents, two from California and one from Arizona, are walking down a street in the historic part of Old Phoenix. They turn a corner and see a sign that says..... "The Old Timer's Bar ... ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other in disbelief ... and then enter the bar. The bartender says, in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you guys. What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 3 men each asked for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 3 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck. Each guy pays his 10 cents . they finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, three excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 30 cents, please." They pay the 30 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. One of the men asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for only a dime each?" "Well, here's my story, I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $525 million dollars and I decided to open this place. It's just a hobby for me. Every drink costs a dime .. wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same." "Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The three of them sipped at their martinis but couldn't help but notice three other guys who had been sitting at the other end of the bar, who didn't have a drink in front of them .. and they hadn't ordered anything. One man gestures toward the three guys at the end of the bar and asks the bartender, "What's with those guys?" "They're farmers from Montana... They're waiting for Happy Hour." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: thoughts on suds Thanks Budd and KS ****************** Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver." Babe Ruth - - - - - - An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with the fools in his life. Ernest Hemingway - - - - - - When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Paul Hornung - - - - - - 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. H.L. Mencken - - - - - - When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! George Bernard Shaw - - - - - - Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin - - - - - - Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. Dave Barry - - - - - - BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C. W.C. Fields - - - - - - Beer: helping white guys dance, since 1632. - - - - - - Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. Professor Irwin Corey - - - - - - To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group. Salvation in a can! Leo Durocher - - - - - - One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.. ---------------------------------------------------- Hearing Aid? While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt. "How does that help your hearing?" I asked. "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss." He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared... prepare yourself." ---------------------------------------------------- thanks JudyB ************ It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit!" said the Hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the senior center. ---------------------------------------------------- 30 THINGS STRESSED WOMEN MAY SAY AT WORK 1 Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf @% k you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. 4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine? 5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. 6. Do I look like a people person? 7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. 8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. 9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. 10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control? 11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. 13. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet! 16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura. 17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too. 18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor. 19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done. 22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 23. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 24. Earth is full. Go home. 25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego? 26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 28. You are depriving some village of an idiot. 29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. 30. Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of "gives-a-shit"? ......................................................... Subject: Hum: Little Johnny and Jenny Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." Mr. Smith fainted ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: todays chuckles Thanks Dazzle ************* Refuel? A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." ................................................. Thanks Budd *********** God and the biker From: BT A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Thanks Karen ************ The city cop and the little girl. A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did,"Ý chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: todays chuckles Thanks Budd ********** Priceless From: CM Cheer leading, tumbling lessons and camps since age 3: $30,000 Annual cost of attending USC: $25,000 Annual cost for staying just the right shade of blonde: $10,000 Cheering when the other team scores: Priceless ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Thanks jpChris Jack & Jill Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on." She did, and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Jill says nothing; she takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will." ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Thanks Gerbear ************* to become a better lover (grinning) A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife! She's not my wife! She's not my wife!" His funeral services will be held on Monday. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Gotta Love This Judge Thanks Budd *********** From: DK In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!" The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah .and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said "Obviously your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter, even celebrate the atheists' holiday!" The ACLU lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?" The judge said "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date--- April 1st!" HOORAY FOR THIS JUDGE ---------------------------------------------------- ===================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. =========================2006======================================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++