=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... JULY 2005 ================================================================ Today's Telephone Tip Troubles by children of friends who insist on answering telephones? If conversations with pre-schoolers annoys you, why not do what one publicist does? "I have a splendid system," maintains the inventive PR man. "I say a naughty word, and I invite the child to repeat it as loudly as possible!" The child happily babbles the naughty word at *his* end of the phone under the PR man's chortling direction until the parent happens by. They instantly grab the phone away from the youngster and demand to know who's calling. "Your child uses *disgusting* language," the PR guy lectures the mom or dad. "You shouldn't let him answer the phone." Ah-mazingly enough, after a time or two, the tykes are rarely allowed to lift the receiver! ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Michele: *************** Now you know Jack... http://www.barry.fireflyinternet.co.uk/JackSchitt/Jack_Schit.htm and: Kinda Freaky If she gets stuck, give her a nudge with your mouse http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf ............................................. Subject: hum: the classifides As Seen in the Classifieds ( from Reader's Digest Press Blunders and Bloopers, 1993 ) [comments 2005] Imported American wedding dress, size 10, never worn in Rockhampton, $350. - Rockhampton Bulletin Wedding gown worn only once by mistake. Size 9-10. asking $20. - Oshawa Times. Epic indoor electric chair and charger in working order. - Buxton Advertiser [ So anyone can have that thrilling experience, even hubby ] Lots of stuff! All ex-hubby's remains. - South Delta Today, B.C. [ I hope the "remains" were in a nice box ] ...................................................... Third Annual Sale of the Decade. $4000 worth of furniture will be sold for $2000. - Tallahassee Democrat [ They just keep getting better and better?? ] ..................................................... Situatioin s Vacnat: Focus urgently needs a person to proofread the typed copy each month before it goes into print. - Focus parish magazine, Bolton, UK. [ Hopefully they have a spell-checker bu now ] Marketing Executive: Post-secondary education- Knowledge in marketing research -Good command in uritten Engliqh ald Ahilese - Illitiatite and creative. - South China Morning Post [ What did the world do before the invention of the spell-checker?? ] Spelling Check-list: A dictoinary for Dyslexics is available from St. David's College. - Manchester Evening News [ Then again.. not all spell-checkers are created equal ] ................................................................................................... The Complete Cook of Budgerigars $17.95. Birchalls Book Department. - Launceston Examiner [ Not much meat on those little birds, is there? ] Give away 2 kittens, 6wks. Will do light mouse duties. -Gold Coast Bulletin African grey rabbit, intelligent, tame, very good talker, sold with cage to good home only. First time advertised. - Pershore Admag. [ A talking grey rabbit?? I thought they had to be white, and named Harvey] Talented, handsome well-hung Persian/Burmese stud, preferably vegetarian non-smoker, needed for half Burmese female cat. - Loot, London ....................................................................................................... Lost donkey, answers to the name of Harold. Very attractive, dearly beloved by owner. Last seen in a nun's outfit. - The Bulletin, Belgium [ Sounds like the neighbour's husband went out clubbing again ] Lost, North Shore area, 2 cars answering to the names of Nikki and Delvene. - Manly Daily ......................................................................................................... Wanted: General Manager to head our Guilt-edged Securities Department (Sale-purchase) - Times of India [ Some of those Securities probably needed a Guilt-edge to sell them] Owner-operators wanted: To run Canada and USA. Excellent opportunity for the persons who qualify. - Evening Telegram, Canada. Services: Mini Bouncer for hire; ideal for children's parties, playgroups. - The Swift Flash [ What an idea! Someone to keep things from getting out of control and toss out the rowdy ones ] Career opportunity for a fire-fighter position: 'We offer a smoke-free work environment.' - calgary Herald. [ Smokeless fires.. what a concept!] ======================================== Edna & Elsie's 100th Birthday There were these twin sisters, Edna and Elsie, just turning one hundred years old in St.Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. Edna was hard of hearing while Elsie could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and Edna said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said Elsie. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the Edna shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!?" ---------------------------------------------------- A Summer Romance As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you....... you rotten mosquito! ---------------------------------------------------- From: Russell on Murphy's Law Other People's Laws... The Parkinson Principle: "A expands to fill B" where "A" is a variable and "B" is fixed. For example: *A bathroom hook will be loaded *Expenditures expand to meet the available budget. *The occupation of space expands to ursurp all that is available, regardless of need. *A freeway is glutted beyond capacity the day it opens. *Work expands to fill the available time. ......................................... The Sunsweet Law of Perpetual Motion: *Never eat prunes when you are famished. Violation of this law is said to cure a cough by default. ----------------------------------------------------     ===WELCOME TO OUR HOME===   "Oh, I sure am happy to see you," little Billy said to his grandmother on his mother's side.  "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."   The grandmother was curious.  "What trick is that?" she asked.   "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again," the little boy answered.     === THE WATER PISTOL ===  When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.  He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.  I was not so pleased.  I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you.  Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"   Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember.     === HALF PRICE ===    US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.  Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.  Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"     === LIFE AFTER DEATH ===   "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.     "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.   "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.  "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Tweety ************** The Singing Fish Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.' Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.' Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?' Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.' Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.' Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?' ---------------------------------------------------- Rules For Stray Cats [dedicated to Lady Bast aka Tort] 1. Stray cats will not be fed. 2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food. 3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk. 4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps. 5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence. 6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily. 7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name. 8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time. 9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times. 10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in "y". 11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture. 12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture. 13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new .99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches. 14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand. 15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter. 16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room. 17. Stray cats will sleep outside. 18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage. 19. Stray cats will sleep in the house. 20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket. 21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow. 22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed. 23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot. 24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers. 25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot. 26. Stray cats will not play on the desk. 27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer. 28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hb USING IT. ======================================== ===================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. =========================2005======================================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++