CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... JUNE 2004 ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ------------------------------------------------------ Telegrams A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well." A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message: "This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind." ........................................... Battling Salons A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Newspaper headlines thanks Alison [ comments by cybermouse ] Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [ I guess she shouldn't have worn those hip huggers ] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [ like duh! ] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [ that could hurt ] Iraqi Head Seeks Arms [ and maybe a body for in between? ] Prostitutes Appeal to Pope [ I don't want to go there ] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [ what do you get when you cross a panda with a veterinarian? ] Teacher Strikes Idle Kids [ you have to get their attention somehow ] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [ I can see how being expected to work once dead could pose a problem ] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [ maybe this would work ] War Dims Hope for Peace [ another Duh! ] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A while [ the headline writer was away this day ] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [ they might have something here ] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [ homicide means person killed.. this Duh! is a Doh! ] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [ yikes.. I hope that tape is strong ] Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [ are they counting the local occupants only? ] Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [ groan ] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [ the first group contained too many lightweights? ] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [ remember.. no beans before takeoff ] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [ and dragons like the ketchep flavored ones best } Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [ one heart isn't much meat ] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [ I don't know how half a person is an improvement ] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [ those guys should be playing basketball ] ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: fractured speakionary thanks Laith Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words (& leave it to the Post to search for new meanings). And the winners are... 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: the faithful unfaithful wife thanks Budd An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?" She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times." "Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks. Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?" "Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney. "And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?" "Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?" "Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?" "Yes, of course," said Sidney. "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at cost?" "Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?" Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Boot Camp Thanks Budd From: LT Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On his third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Abbott and Costello updated thanks Gerry >I hope you remember Abbott and Costello - Updated "Who's on First? >Lou Costello Tries to Buy a Computer from Bud Abbott > >ABBOTT (behind the counter at: Super Duper computer store): Can I help you? > >COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking >about buying a computer. > >ABBOTT: Mac? > >COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. > >ABBOTT: Your computer? > >COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. > >ABBOTT: Mac? > >COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. > >ABBOTT: What about Windows? > >COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? > >ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? > >COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? > >ABBOTT: Wallpaper. > >COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. > >ABBOTT: Software for Windows? > >COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write >proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? > >ABBOTT: Office. > >COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? > >ABBOTT: I just did. > >COSTELLO: You just did what? > >ABBOTT: Recommend something. > >COSTELLO: You recommended something? > >ABBOTT: Yes. > >COSTELLO: For my office? > >ABBOTT: Yes. > >COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? > >ABBOTT: Office. > >COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! > >ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. > >COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, >I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a my proposal. What do I need? > >ABBOTT: Word. > >COSTELLO: What word? > >ABBOTT: Word in Office. > >COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. > >ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. > >COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? > >ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W." > >COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some >straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? > >ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. > >COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your >business. Just tell me what I need! > >ABBOTT: Real One. > >COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2. 3 & 4. Can I >watch them? > >ABBOTT: Of course. > >COSTELLO: Great, with what? > >ABBOTT: Real One. > >COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? > >ABBOTT: You click the blue "1." > >COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? > >ABBOTT: The blue "1." > >COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"? > >ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. > >COSTELLO: What word? > >ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. > >COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!" > >ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. > >COSTELLO: It is? > >ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty >much wiped out all the other Words out there. > >COSTELLO: And that word is real one? > >ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of >Office. > >COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping, >you have anything I can track my money with? > >ABBOTT: Money. > >COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? > >ABBOTT: Money. > >COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? > >ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. > >COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer? > >ABBOTT: Money. > >COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? > >ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. > >COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? > >ABBOTT: One copy. > >COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? > >ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. > >COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? > >ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! > >COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?? > >ABBOTT: Click on "START"......... > ....................................................... Subject: Hum: Testifying Officer thanks Budd, From: LT If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best comeback line" and we think he'll win. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: More Blond Jokes Thanks Brent Did you hear about the two blonds who sadly froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter" ..................... Did you hear about the near tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve members of the legally blond club were stuck on the escalators for over four hours. ....................... In Vegas, a Blond walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The student looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks. Another person walks up behind the student and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The Blond spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??" .................. A Blond stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book ..................... My husband is a doctor, and he received an emergency call from a Blond patient : She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old home remedy. "Pour warm olive oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes," he said. "When you lift your head the fly should emerge with the liquid." The student thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked, "Into which ear should I pour the oil?" ........... A Blond goes for a job interview and the interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell me your age, please?" The Blond counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh ..22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell me your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The Blond bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, I can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing bobbing your head when I asked you your name?" "Oh that!" replies the Blond, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'" ...................... Two Blonds were walking down the road and the first says, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: female come-backs thanks Karen Female Comebacks! Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: engine trouble Thanks Brent *Engine Trouble* A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location." "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish." The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?" "I-75, two miles south of Standish." A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?" ________________________________________________________ Subject: hum: Sunday Services thanks Brent The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly in 20 minutes. One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close. When they got home after the service, the wife asked him why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long. He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge." ............................... *Combination Faith* The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Blond Helicopter Pilot thanks Budd From: KS A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened th en?" "Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Onestone thanks Michele There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all ! night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story? ' ' ' ' 'OH, 'Come on'...take a guess! ' ' ' Think about it .. ' ' ' ' ' ' And the moral is .. ' ' ' ''...You can't kill two birds with one stone. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: the new diet plan thanks Karen Ron was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds." When Ron returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Ron nodded. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: hunting for the first time thanks Budd A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The boy, bless his heart, answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked.". .............................................. Subject: Hum: Complaints thanks Budd From: KS An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog .... or the senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: HUM: motherhood thanks Brent "It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck "My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint." - Erma Bombeck .................................... If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children. .......................................... What is a grandmother? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.) A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's. A grandfather is a man grandmother. Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandmothers don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad. .............................................. Mother's Dictionary Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again Bottle Feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too Defense: what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster Feedback: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say Look Out!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it Storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything Temper Tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children Thunderstorm: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises Verbal: able to whine in words Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Blonds thanks Spence A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!" ........................................... A Death in the Blonde's Family A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying. "What happened...why are you crying?" The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away. The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves. The next day, she goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again. Once again, she asks her why she was crying? This time the blonde replies hysterically... "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too! ........................................ Blonde Detective Training... A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: 6 Minutes Late thanks Doris There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then, you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?" George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.'' ''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.'' ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: The Dysfunctional Section of the Card shop thanks Andreia 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life... (Inside card) - I've changed my mind. 2.Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas Only) 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am.... (Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go.... (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 5. Someday I hope to marry... (Inside card) - Someone other than you. 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.... (Inside card) - Almost lifelike! 7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me... (Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise. 8. We've been friends for a very long time... (Inside card) - What do you say we stop? 9. I'm so miserable without you... (Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here. 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.... (Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was? 11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... (Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often. 12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... (Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep. 13. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... (Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you. 14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder... (Inside card) - What was I thinking? 15. Congratulations on your wedding day!... (Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: a rare condition thanks Mal A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders  violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or  are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are  you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: HOAX! thanks Brent hate those hoax warnings, but this one is very important!!!???? Please send this to everyone you know: If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show then your bum, DO NOT show them your bum. This is a scam!! They only want to see your bum. I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap. {talk about getting caught with your pants down} ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Humor: Employee Evaluation Thanks Budd From: LT TODAY'S Fast Forward: "Employee Evaluation" 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Three Old Ladies at the Ball Game thanks pjChris Three Old Ladies at the Ball Game This is a detective story so pay close attention!!! Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ballpark. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base? Think! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Think some more! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >You're gonna love it... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded ---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. --------------------------30-------------------------