=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... MAY 2005 ================================================================ Thanks KJ *********** WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM? After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months." " Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust." ======================================== Subject: hum: little old joe thanks Dazzle ************** An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist. The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Blondy Handywoman thanks Mal A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.  "Yes," the blonde replied," and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: how to unsubcribe from a SPAM list thanks Brent Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Though I know you all enjoy being on this list, should you ever want to unsubscribe from it please follow these simple instructions. To unsubscribe from this service you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from most hardware stores and dental clinics. Be sure to obtain the proper permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA. Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of the perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the eight-millimetre torque fork. Be sure that the refibulator is mounted at a 66 degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved section of the Pyrex thistle tube. Place the four sections of the triangular separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using the band aid adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into the wobbling hole, making sure that it seated correctly. Place the D cell battery and the eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber. The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional digital corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to touch the reinforced tungsten igniter control module, and quickly turn the inverter drive to 28.6 degrees. Turn the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit vigorously. Force open the door to the incineration valve compartment and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi. Close the door and seal it shut with duct tape. The unit should now be properly calibrated and ready to use. Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by Northeast to within the parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator. Using the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core to the "on" position. The "on" position has been obtained when the green light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off. Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labelled "ON/OFF" to the "ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system. Logon using your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once prompted you must check the box with the appropriate action you wish to take and then press the pressure release button and turn off the compressor while turning the hand crank at 231 meters per minute. Next, press control, alt, delete, caps lock, shift, number lock, escape and tab simultaneously. Press enter. You will have one second to complete the procedure. If you fail to respond in the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit and start from the beginning. Please remember that this is the only way we will accept for you to unsubscribe from this service. We have made every attempt to simplify the procedure for your convenience. Failure to comply with the unsubscribe policy will result in immediate renewal of your subscription so please follow the above directions closely. ---------------------------------------------------- ===================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. =========================2005======================================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++