CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... NOVEMBER 2004 ======================================================== Subject: Hum: A Turkey's Lament Thanks Penny Black November A Turkey's Lament When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop, Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know; His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of ..... Black November; "Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. "And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head; "Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink, "And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked; I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola, And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes, I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed; But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death; And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound; So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap, She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Christmas Joke - On Christmas Eve... From: Darlene Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates."In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: having bad days Bob and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bob wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus. "No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee." "I'll have black coffee too," Bob said. "And please make sure the cup is clean." The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?" ................................................. An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture. The Amish man said, "No." "Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker. As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture. As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show HIM your paper!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: the oldtimer An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest hills I can find at the crack of dawn." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a dirt biker." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 117 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Snappy Comebacks Thanks jpchris Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway A sign comes up reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Snappy Answer #5 - THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." BONUS Snappy Answer A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Helloooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!" Can't get enough? .The BEST is LAST! A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Three silly mice thanks Dazzle Three male mice are sitting at a bar, arguing about how tough they are. The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." The second mouse says, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back and bench press the killer springed trapwire." The third mouse slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar. The other mice scream, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!" The third mouse replies, "Home to shag the cat." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: You know if... You Know Your Church has Sold Out to Corporate Sponsors If.. - Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements - In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke. - Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench - Personal pew licenses now sold - Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World - Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep - The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters - Scripture verses brought to you by Windows '98 - Pastor doing subliminal product messages during sermon - Bulletin has coupon section - Choir members wear Dockers - In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel - There is a credit card swiper on the collection plate - Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercard emblems on them - Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical Group, LLC - Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC - Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the FOX network - Church vans traded in for Ford Broncos - Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes - Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front - Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo - Free Perrier at all baptisms - Church flag football team sponsored by the NFL %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% 10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow 1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code 2. Graphics arrive via FedEx 3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection 4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later 5. Your credit card expires while ordering online 6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner" ...for 1989 7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan" 8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump 9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them 10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out. ---------------------------------------------------- bedtime A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out.." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" ---------------------------------------------------- One Day at Wal-Mart thanks Budd From: DR Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time. One turns to the other saying, "I'm 73 years old and I'm just full and of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" "The other greeter says, "I feel just like a new born babe." Rather amazed, the coworker repeats his statement back in the form of a question. "Really? A new born babe???" "Yup. No teeth. No hair. And I think I just wet my pants." ---------------------------------------------------- poor little dog "Hello, hello?" shrilled an elderly lady's voice over the phone. "Is this the SPCA?" "Yes." "I want you to send somebody over here right away." "What's wrong?" "There's a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my poor little dog." ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Elaine WIFE MART A store that sells wives has just opened in Charleston, WV, where a man may go to choose a wife from among many women. The store is comprised of six floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a woman from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a man goes to the shopping center to find a wife. On the first floor the sign on the door reads Floor 1 - These women have jobs. The man reads the sign and says to himself, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's farther up?" So up he goes. The second floor sign reads Floor 2 - These women have jobs and love sports. The man remarks to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's farther up?" And up he goes again. The third floor sign reads Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better," he says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, are extremely good looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the man, "very tempting. But there must be more farther up!" And again he heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and don't complain about anything. "Hot Dang! But just think what must be awaiting me farther on?" So up to the sixth floor he goes. The sixth floor sign reads Floor 6 - You are visitor no. 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day. ---------------------------------------------------- Time Travel Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. "The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m." "Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked. The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?" "No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off." ............................................. From the cockpit A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. It was his first time approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!" ---------------------------------------------------- Please pull over.. Man, Wife And A Cop A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look ] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks![The man gives his wife another a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!" The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk." ---------------------------------------------------- Old Edna Old Edna, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!" ---------------------------------------------------- Dilbert's Rules of Order 1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. 5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. 6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. 7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling? 8. My reality check bounced. 9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. 11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. 15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear. 16. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 17. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 18. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 19. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: the blond goes to a football game A guy took his blonde buddy to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked the friend how he liked the experience. "Oh, I really like it," he replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, his friend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!"....... HEL-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!" ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Mal Fairy Godmother- a chuckle I can't resist A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."   "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.   The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! -two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.   Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and  he sai: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". T he wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...   So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! -the husband became 92 years old.   The moral of this story ...   Men might be ungrateful idiots ..   But fairies are ... females! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Medical HaHas thanks Brent While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive. " Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR * * * * * * * * A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room. A young woman entered with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing. It was quickly determined the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing gown, which said; "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." * * * * * * * * * * * A new, young MD was doing his residency in obstetrics. He was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To conceal his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. A middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Brent at the Olympics Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw these two testicles right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own testicles!" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!" The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles." ************************************** A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" ************************************** My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he said. ********************************* When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four" *********************************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were Ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and quoted , "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife," *********************************** Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!" *************************************** A second grader came home from school and said to her mother "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es". (Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one???) ***************************************** "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently."It means carrying a child." ******************************************** A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered, "Grandma, like it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers (folgers) in your cup *********************************** A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the arguments to a close.... "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Bob's favorite payphone Bob was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, Bob again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour! ---------------------------------------------------- ======================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =====================2004==============================