CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... OCTOBER 2004 ======================================================== thanks Mae The Essay The college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. Her response: "Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?" She was the only one who received an A+ ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Karen The Five Toughest Questions For Men # 1: What are you thinking about? The best answer to this is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which is, most likely, one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best classic response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!") .................. Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" If you feel a more detailed answer is in order: "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Yah, sure, you betcha. b. Would it make you feel better if I said "yes"? c. That depends on exactly what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? ................. Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. ..................... Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you, when you were her age d. It depends on how you define pretty. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. ..................... Question# 5: What would you do if I died? This is the all-time, no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") There is no good answer. No matter how you answer, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married? Man: Of course I do. Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry? Man: Okay, I'd get married again. Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) Man: Yes, I would. Woman: (After a long pause) Would you sleep with her in our bed? Man: Where else would we sleep? Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do. Woman:: And would you let her use my golf clubs? Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Karen A WASHINGTON POST columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting WOMEN'S T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach. 1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN. 2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE. 3. I'M STILL HOT... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES. 4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT. 5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED. 6. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT. 7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX. 8. ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILOR PROBLEM. 9. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD... ARE YOU BAD? 10. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT! 11. BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR. 12. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE. 13. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS. 14. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE. 15. KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK. 16. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC. 17. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED. 18. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE. 19. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE", I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE. 20. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE. 21. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL. 22. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Brent The following are actual stories provided by travel agents : 1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California & then take the train to Hawaii ?" 3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa." Her response was "click". 4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He Replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." 5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the Map." 6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." 7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of Time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! 8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who ?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection ?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on ?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." 10. A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." 11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay needs a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." 12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Linda FW: It's about DOGS If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section . . . Buy a dog. If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you . . .. Buy a dog. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him! and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it... Buy a dog If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want . . .. Buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a darn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch! romantic movies . . . Buy a dog. If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores . . .. Buy a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or! ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually . . .. Buy a dog. But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness . . . Then my friend, Buy a cat! (You thought I was talking about men didn't you!) ---------------------------------------------------- thanks jpchris Black Testicles A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back? ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: funnies At the couthouse.. A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep." The judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; you wake him up." ................................. At the swamp.. A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight" ....................................... At the agricultural college....... The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it." ........................................... "It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." - Sam Levenson ---------------------------------------------------- The perscription... Because of an ear infection, young Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. Casey's mom was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to her son. When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to the mom. Without looking at it, she tucked it into her purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction Casey must have. When he saw the mom's puzzled expression, he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli." ---------------------------------------------------- At the doctor's office..... A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles." She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat." Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room." A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere." The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" ............................ Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion? The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium. It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary. And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: more medical humour A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'" The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." ...................................... Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health. "Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor. "Who asked you to make me younger, already?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!" ---------------------------------------------------- Advertising Terms Defined NEW - Different color from previous design. ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design. EXCLUSIVE - Imported product. UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments. ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it. IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming. FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment. HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit. FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does. REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope. DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work. BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it. MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix. MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours. SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything! HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Riddles for Hallowe'en thanks Elaine What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet! Why shouldn't witches lose their tempers? Because they will fly off the handle! What subject do witches like best? Spelling! What do you call it when a ghost makes a mistake? A boo-boo! What do you get when you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite! How do you fix a broken Jack-O-Lantern? With a Pumpkin Patch! Why did Dracula take cold medicine? Because he was coffin! Why can't skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with! What do naughty ghosts use in school? Cheat sheets! What did the monster do when he lost his hand? He went to a second hand store! What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs! What kind of candy will a ghost never eat? Life Savers! Why did Frankenstein's monster go to the psychiatrist? He thought one of his screws was loose! Where do vampires put their money? Blood banks! Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts! Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite! Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves! What type of dog do vampires like best? Bloodhounds! What do you call a skeleton who won't do anything? Lazy Bones! What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich! How do you know if a ghost is lying? You can see right through him! What city do witches always pick for their annual convention? Wichita, Kansas! What kind of street does a ghost like? A dead end! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Jonny's Parrot Jonny received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude. Jonny tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jonny put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jonny was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jonny's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jonny was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Gloria ZEN AND WISDOM OF LIFE 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. No one is listening until you fart. 6. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else. 7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes. 10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 11. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything you said. 14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 15. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time. 16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 18. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 19. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 23. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse. 25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". 27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11. 29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them 30.--God Bless--have a Great, Happy, Healthy fun day--SMILE--it is contagious. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: getting older As They Get Old . . . Old photographers never die, they just stop developing. Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plain. Old policemen never die, they just cop out. Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on.... Old printers never die, they're just not the type. Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse. Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away. Old schools never die, they just lose their principals. Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles. Old seers never die, they just lose their vision. Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away. Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings. Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy. Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper. Old students never die, they just get degraded. Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding. Old typists never die, they just lose their justification. Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged. Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip. ---------------------------------------------------- ======================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =====================2004==============================