===================================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK.... FACTS OF LIFE ===================================================================== Your evening smile This is attributed to Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935. Will Rogers was probably the greatest political sage the USA has ever known. Enjoy the following: 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ABOUT GROWING OLDER... First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. ________________________________________________________ thanks Gloria ZEN AND WISDOM OF LIFE 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. No one is listening until you fart. 6. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else. 7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes. 10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 11. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything you said. 14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 15. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time. 16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 18. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 19. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 23. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse. 25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". 27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11. 29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them 30.--God Bless--have a Great, Happy, Healthy fun day--SMILE--it is contagious. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae TWELVE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY: 1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich! 4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 5. Some people are like Slinkies , Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 8. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? 10. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 11. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 12. You read about all these terrorists. Most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration! --- Warren Hockman ---------------------------------------------------- ======================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of any materials contained here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ==========================2004-2005====================================== --------------------------30-------------------------