=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK.... MERRY CAT-MAS ================================================================ THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (Feline style) On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me... A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies. On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me.... On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers. On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me... 13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know she was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax. On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me... A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99 On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me... The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall! On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me... The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel. On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me... The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax. On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me... Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents. On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me... My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H. On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me..... The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me..... The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner. On the 12th day of Christmas........ Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card. by Cathleen Twomey ........................................................... 12 Days of Christmas - A Cat's Rendition On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me: Twelve bags of catnip! Eleven tarter Pounce treats, Ten ornaments hanging, Nine wads of Kleenex, Eight peacock feathers, Seven stolen Q-tips, Six feathered balls, Five MILK JUG RINGS! Four munchy house plants, Three running faucets, Two fuzzy mousies, And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!! ................................................. A CAT'S CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. 'Cuz the cat had pounced on him and tore him apart- Ate his mousey intestines And chewed up his heart. Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells, which made him take pause- He stopped daintily licking the blood from his claws. "Must be Santa" thought Kitty (that quite clever cat) 'Cuz nobody else climbs down the chimney like that. Indeed it was ol' Santa, so jolly and fat With a load of presents and all for the cat! "Wow, the best Christmas ever!" Kitty thought with a purr, Then he coughed up a hairball and shed some more fur. Thanks to IrisMist ....................................... Cats' Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs 10. Up on the Mousetop 9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas 8. Joy to the Curled 7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus 6. The First Meow 5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful 4. Silent Mice 3. Fluffy, the Snowman 2. Jingle Balls 1. Wreck the Halls! Thanks to Daryl Hillen ......................................................... The 12 Days Of "Cats"Mas On the first day of Christmas my mistress gave to me, a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the second day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the third day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 3 quarts of milk 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the 4th day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 4 strutting birds 3 quarts of milk 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the fifth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 5 litter pans 4 strutting birds 3 quarts of milk 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the 6th day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 6 cans of sardines 5 litter pans 4 strutting birds 3 quarts of milk 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the 7th day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 7 pounds of catnip 6 cans of sardines 5 litter pans 4 strutting birds 3 quarts of milk 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the 8h day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 8 dogs on leashes 7 pounds of catnip 6 cans of sardines 5 litter pans 4 strutting birds 3 quarts of milk 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the ninth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 9 frogs aleaping 8 dogs on leashes 7 pounds of catnip 6 cans of sardines 5 litter pans 4 strutting birds 3 quarts of milk 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the 10th day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 10 balls of yarn all tangled 9 frogs aleaping 8 dogs on leashes 7 pounds of catnip 6 cans of sardines 5 litter pans 4 strutting birds 3 quarts of milk 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the 11th day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 11 mice a running 10 balls of yarn all tangled 9 frogs aleaping 8 dogs on leashes 7 pounds of catnip 6 cans of sardines 5 litter pans 4 strutting birds 3 quarts of milk 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. On the twelfth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me 12 toys from Macys 11 mice a running 10 balls of yarn all tangled 9 frogs aleaping 8 dogs on leashes 7 pounds of catnip 6 cans of sardines 5 litter pans 4 strutting birds 3 quarts of milk 2 chicken breasts and a pheasant under glass 'neath the tree. ......................................................... ===================================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. 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