POETRY FROM "VALLEY OF SHADOWS" "I" I hope, I dream I sparkle and glow I reach out my hand I seek for to grow. I talk to the trees I stand all alone I bathe in the sunshine I call this place home. I trust once a stranger I trust thrice a friend I dance in the moonlight I give once again. I give 'til I'm tired I help 'til I'm sore I work 'til I'm weary I can give on no more. I use of my knowledge I give of my soul I use what I'm given I fill my child's bowl P. Griffiths, May 28th, 1987. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ANGER Slowly I anger, in simmering annoyances Ingredients added with minor annoyances and interruptions Stirred with repression Fired by suppression Until the pressure grows and builds And I explode in anger With harsh tones and words. P. Griffiths. 1989. ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ DEPRESSION There is a dull grey cloud that surrounds my being and fills my mind with a fuzzy purple haze. Nothing feels real, nor firm, nor is anything my senses say is true. I feel bloated, enveloped by mitts and gloves and blankets as if dressed for winter's fury. My thoughts are dull and grey, floating and darting without focus or direction. Nothing is worth the effort to do or even worry about or plan for I feel without worth and without substance, or emotions I feel only deep seated pain. P. Griffiths ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ ALONE alone there is pain of body and of mind no relief no respite an empty tunnel of despair that has no end in sight emptyness and echoing sounds of hearbeats boom like cannons pulsate within the brain body spasms and writhes beyond hope beyond anguish alone. P. Griffiths. 1989 ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 90-5 I sit in bitter feelings, weep I dream of things then cannot sleep Restfall comes and leaves in haste My life is felt in utter waste Confusion rises, mills, and writhes Frustration fills up and blackens lives I sit in bitter feelings, weep. To sing of spring song I long to do I dream of happiness anew The dance of summer waning fast Links of future bound now to past The effort seems only a waste of time My life has really never been mine To sing of spring song I long to do. So now I sit in angry loss My fate is but a die to toss My heart is crushed as tears do grow Unto quiet water's flow In anguish mounting to despair I search in vain for something there So now I sit in angry loss. Am I the fool that hopes and prays My heart it calls for peaceful days I want a place to call my own Secure and warm I need a home Not to loose again my place in life Uninvited in come pain and strife Am I the fool that hopes and prays. Punished for what I do not know Rings in circles cycles grow Past in present future last Close in spiral future past Have I the strength to start again To end this pain I know not when Punished for what I do not know. A road not taken paths to cross Without a map the choice comes loss Body and psyche, strength of mind Power of will and wants combined Battles fought and body wins Guilt is bought for unreal sins A road not taken paths to cross. P. Griffiths ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 90-10 frustrations mounting and brewing growing greater every day again and again and again never completely resolved never completely overcome cycles begin and end only to begin again to repeat anew anger aggression and rage indignation of the soul insults and injury inflicted unhappiness unfolded and rejected to be spit upon again beaten down and cursed the very soul victimized again wish and hope futile efforts defined rejections compounded the fate of life denied alive yet dead inside a living hole of despair chained and oppressed equality and humanity denied defects defined ashamed P. Griffiths ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 90-14 tired of it all never able to get ahead always playing a catch-up game running hard finishing last ideas stolen promises lost tears withheld in shame angry being rage withheld brewing storms indignation unable to quit unable to advance stuck in a nightmare unable to decide what to do next who to call on no one to help to do it all pressure to make it right hands to help not there ideas to help not there all rests upon my head crazy, dizzy, confusing mess so much to do so much to decide can't see a beginning can't see an end need a break need a miracle pressures great and ever growing money, always money damned money never is there enough to do everything always needing more always the demands for more grow endless battle to survive culture based on money P. Griffiths ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ 90-17 more of the same old shit again why-for does it come more of the anguish and the strain it does not end before more has begun more of the same old struggles same play but another act always something to bring more pain here daily suffering is a fact the song that's sung is never new though words or tune do fade like colors changing only in hue still the piper must be paid what strength have I to overcome endless onslaughts of grief? battered by hunger and threatened by some soul stolen by a thief it is not enough just to survive by begging and by tears in despair one cannot feel alive smothered by one's fears to weep inside for days on end to meet with justice undone affluent faceless adversaries send cold hearted villains to bleed the stone inside I die bent no further can I go no strength to try what to do I do not know there is no one to help. P. Griffiths ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ "THE NAME" I have a name. My disorder revealed, My name vindicated, Answers as to why I feel this way. I have a name. False diagnosis is brushed away, My pain is validated, I am validated once more. I have a name. Words to explain a set of problems, A grouping of symptoms, A recognized syndrome of physical cause. I have a name. The doctors had stopped looking, They gave an easy name and ignored the rest, They blamed the victim for her ills. I have a name. It is beautiful and terrible, It is a life sentence but not without hope. I may have caught on soon enough. I have a name. I am released from guilt and shame, For I did try hard enough and work hard enough, But working hard was the wrong game. I have a name. My relief frees my burdened heart, While my body is heavy my spirit soars, For a brief moment I can fly. I have a name. Now it all makes sense to me, So much to learn and to accept, It is a different life I can lead. I have a name. I now can heed my body's call, I must heed my body's call, I am not lazy or unwilling for I am ill. I have a name. Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. The true battle can now begin, And by knowing the name, The battle is half won. P. Griffiths, 1991. * This poem has been twice appeared in the Victoria, B.C. support group newsletter. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Our Group I feel welcomed warm acceptance flowing smiles unforced undoubting sharing in my fears holding tight unto my hopes I feel validated sharing little threads of hope trading ideas sharing skills ideas flowing to and fro building on our joint successes I feel hopeful strength and energy flowing round coping becomes easier fear evaporates feeling stronger of spirit each time we visit Thank you my friends for being there you help my spirit to fly my heart to hope and others to understand P. Griffiths, 1991 [published in the M.E. Victoria newsletter, March, 1991] ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ANOTHER "VIRUS" It's happening again, Someone brought home a bug then everyone else brought home the bug. It jumped from person to person Missed a body on first pass caught it by the third. Wonder's be, it missed me! NOT ^^^ Everyone is down with the bug Some unfortunates got it twice Maybe there is bugs times two, I hope not bugs times three. Everyone is over the bug Everyone but me. Once again I'm down and out, out for the count. After three days I don't feel ill Just damaged. The body's sluggish, doesn't work. The main computer is buggy again. Systems burp and fail only to Come back in line, In about a month I'll feel like my old self Again... I HOPE. P.Griffiths, 1992. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* GRIEF I grieve the self lost the person I once was the person I once knew her I trusted I knew what she could do The past self is gone I miss her so Emptyness remains an unknowing I don't know what I can do. P. Griffiths, 1992 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Dark ridges seen upon the moon Lines to imagine a face within Shadows and light interplay Illusion. Darkness encircles a brilliant moon A shining orb against a black sky Shadows dance away in eerie glow Illusion. I fear. P.Griffiths,1993 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* DOODLE AND DRAW I doodle and I draw To distract myself from pain. I release in color and line Emotions eating out my heart Confusing my mind, Freezing my soul. I have not the strength to act In panic or in rage Or to fight to make it right. All I can do is sit, And when I sit I think, And I hurt, so.. I doodle and draw To distract myself from pain. P. Griffiths, 1993. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* SHADOWS OF DESPAIR The mind races, jumps about Morbid topics spring to mind Cut one off, another starts Round and Round Upset I get, Upset I stay. Round and Round I go Unpleasent thoughts abound Gory moments from film or drama Fiction or Fact, no matter Details of past pains in detail Cold analysis vies with strong emotion Swings and conflicts Cast one aside and another enters Aspects of torment Without mercy. P. Griffiths, 1994 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* DEATH WISH POEM Unseeing, Unknowing, uncaring Those around me act, or react As if it did not matter, annoyed Not my probem, not my mess, not my responsability. Why should I? Stop bugging me. It does not bother them, the dirt or clutter. They can come and go as they please. They can avoid the litter, sift through the sounds But I cannot. I cannot clean it up myself. I cannot step over the clutter. I cannot go out as I please. I cannot sift through the sounds. I cannot - they won't understand. They will not and I cannot. I am trapped. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* IN THE PIT OF DESPAIR PRAYER I am lost, oh Holy Mother, I do not know where to go. Please guide me, show me, Light the pathway I should take. I am lost, confused, afraid. Unknowing what I want much less what I need. I live in a circle, always repeating the same things, Nothing changes for the better. Please help me, Holy Mother. Free me from hardships and pains. Show me where I should go and how to get there. Guide me, Send me your blessings. Grant me the courage and strength I need. I feel so very lost and frightened. Help me find my soul again. P. Griffiths, 1994. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* March, 1995 I'm getting there I think. I'm not sure about it, But... Possibly I am correct I really might just Get there yet One thing's for sure And that's I'm trying. Sometimes I feel lost, Really lost. Hopeless even, Even yet. What else can I do... but do ?? P. Griffiths, 1995 ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ HEADACHE As much as I try to keep going The headache still comes. My eyes grow heavy and weak My neck becomes stiff My forehead and temples hurt, pressure within and without. Confusion clouds my mind with fog. There is something I should do soon but no matter it Willpower of the mind cannot overcome Won't-power of the body. The pain does build Cheeks numb, as if frozen Skin cold to the touch Limbs are heavy to move Alertness wanes as confusion grows I feel so alone, so needy, So put upon, so ignored. P. Griffiths, 1995. ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^