PREFACE IV


As Written By
Counciltwit Confuse-Ius

1. What Are The Councils?

The Councils of MOO ("Counci. of MOO" for short) are a loosely connected group of spam fnord organizations whose purpose, set down many millennia ago in ancient Atlantis by our founder Confuse-Ius, is to guard the Church of MOO ("Churc. of MOO" for short) against the vicious threat of the CapriCancers ("viciou. threat of the CapriCancers" for short). Our secondary purpose is to keep the Churc. of MOO alive at any cost, and to maintain the proper degree of fanaticBLATT, so as to resBLATTT any futur e viciou. threats that might arise.

2. What the Hell are the CapriCancers?

The CapriCancers are a group of Devianti AstrologBLATTTs, who all claim to have been born under the signs Capricorn and Cancer, simultaneously. This is an article of faith among them, since they were all actually born under Saggitarius.
Their leader, Capricious Cancerous, is an immortal space alien artifact from the planet Zorn in the galaxy of Andromeda. It crashed in the XBLATTT flying saucer which delivered the sentient supercomputer WOMBAT to Earth. It is not known how a Zor n was able to sneak aboard an XBLATTT saucer, but it is suspected that it was able to cloak the bioscanners by using its lifelike appearance (sculpted from chiseled spam) to fool WOMBAT. If true, this makes Capricious Cancerous the only known living bein g to ever fool this powerful computer.
The reasons behind the CapriCancer Conspiracy are unclear, however. The Conspiracy ("The Con" for short) is an anti-MOO organization, denounced by "BOB" Dobbs in what is now believed, by serious MOOish scholars, to be one of the greatest bluffs of all hBLATTTory, since "BOB" is now presumed to be behind The Con almost entirely. Whatever the motives of this conglomeration of Space Bankers, Vampire Potatos, Illuminati Groups, and Coathanger Repair Conpanies which control all businesses, governments , and 90% of the human minds in the world, they are out to get every MOOist they can lay their hands on.
And like it or not, if you're reading this, you're a Faetor of MOO, and they're after YOU.

3. Why are the Councils so Fanatical?

Well, look at it this way. Two kids are arguing over a cake. "BOB" wants all of it, and Floyd wants to share it equally between the two of them. They whine about it for a while, until finally an adult called Fred wanders up, and says "Why don't you compromise? "BOB" gets three quarters, and Floyd gets one quarter."
It may be a compromise, but Floyd still gets shafted.
If you want to get anything done in this world of compromise, you have to be fanatical. Everyone is brainwashing you (especially those CapriCancers, with their WOMBAT brain-control satelites and FLUORIDATION of DRINKING WATER), so if you act fanat ical and dogmatize YOURSELF, it'll all sort of balance out, AS LONG AS you do so for EVERYTHING you believe. That the Council's Way.
The Tao of Bitching.

6. What Councils Are There?

There are five main councils, and umpty-ump zillion little councils. The five main councils you really ought to look into joining if you want to protect yourself from those vicious CapriCancers are these:

A) Council Of MOOist Intelligence
This council has been attacked by Caprious Cancerous himself as a contradiction in terms. But it isn't. Honest. The purpose of the Council of MOOist Intelligence is twofold: to increase the average intelligence of MOOists, and to gather informat ion on the activities of CapriCancer forces throughout the world.

B) The Council of MOOist Mind Control
Since the forces of CapriCancer have their own orbiting Mind Control Satelites, the Lurch of BOO has decided to set up its own council for the purpose of anti-brainwashing everyone it can.
Which is silly.

C) The MOOist Military Council
This council is the military council of MOO.

7. How Can I Join The Councils?

If you want to create your own council to protect the Church from its enemies, feel free. Otherwise, send a Stamped Self Addressed Envelope addressed to the Councils of MOO, along with $10 membership dues, to:

The Councils Of MOO
c/o Church Of MOO
c/o Church Of MOO
Behind The Escalator
72 Up (Without The Eggplant) Fullwerton Waffle St.
Bangladesh, Kentucky, Canada

Or, maybe...
The Councils Of MOO
c/o Church Of MOO
c/o Leonard Briden
1002 - 2181 Navaho Dr.
Ottawa, ON
Canada, K2C-3K3

You can also get a full copy of The Grate Book of MOO this way.
The Book costs $30 for the latest edition.
$20 for the old edition.
It's rather long.