The Gods Of MOO And Who They Is



Used to be, in the olden days, religion was a stabilizing force, that kept constant while all else changed. But these, these aren't the olden days, and religion is different now. That's because it used to be that the Gods of MOO were safely trapped by semantic hyperspace barriers. But DADA let them out.
Of course, the Gods of MOO can't be seen in their physical forms on Earth by mere mortal humans. In order to see 'em, you have to have this special operation that opens the third eye. But that ain't enough. You have to get the whole Trinitization thing done. Third eye, third nose, third kidney, third brain...
But when you've got this done, you can see the Gods for yourself. Minor beings, invisible to Snackies, who live here with us little mere humans on our little worldlet. To help you deal with this shock, here are some of the most notable.

Barbie, no relation to the famous Canadian nun. this Goddess of Fast Food, Airlines, and Cheez Whiz has so many frequent-flyer miles it isn't funny. Often seen flitting from one world center to another, carrying Industrial Size crates of her patron flavourful spread, she is one of the most approchable of the Gods. To talk to her after your operation, just open a jar of Cheez Whiz, and scream, at the top of your lungs, "SING IT NOW, SING IT LOUD! I'M A COW, AND I AM PROUD!"
Required Tripling: Gonad, Eye

The Easter Bunny is a demigod of Eggs, Chocolate, and UFOs, related to The Santa Clause and Bugs Bunny, who spends most of his time inexplicably hopping around "bunny trails", which are related to the Ley Lines of various well-tuned pagan traditions. On certain days of the year, determined by elaborate astrological calculations, which he does with an elaborate astrological calculator (HP-666), he breaks into people's houses, hides varicoloured eggs, and leaves presents of candy. While there, he often makes off with the TV, VCR, and the Microwave, which has led people to start hiding the damn eggs themselves to keep him out.
Required Tripling: Sweet (and Buck) Tooth, Ears

Elvis Presley is neither a God nor a supernatural entity, but can only be seen after the operation. Although there are, at an estimate, half a billion Elvis Presley clones on planet Earth, and a further half a billion Holographic Projections, controlled by the original Elvis, none of these are visible to the untripled Small Intestine. Mostly because the Small Intestine is not a sense organ. Innumerable photos of him appear in such reputable publications as the Weekly World News, taken with special cameras.
Required Tripling: Lung, Stomach, Eye, Small Intestine

Fire Hydrant is a God left over from the early days. Now calmed down, He was the source of the Grate Flood in all mythology. He is identifiable as a two-mile tall fire hydrant.
Required Tripling: Liver, Stomach, Lung

The Hot God used to be a perfectly normal Hot Dog, but was stuck in the Washing Machine during the spin cycle and became transcendent. Frequently devoured by the other Gods in an archetypal pattern of death and rebirth. He can be recognized by the fact that he is about a foot long and composed of a sausage and a bun. He enjoys masquerading as a hot dog in HUMAN food stands, so be careful what you eat unless you NEED a spiritual enema.
Required Tripling: Eye, Pineal Gland, Kidney, Gall-Bladder

Kodosia is the Goddess of Moist Towelettes, Non-Dairy Creamer, and Nuclear Armageddon. In order to appease her appetites for the trade of these commodities, and thereby prevent Nuclear Armageddon, we must go about offering Moist Towelettes and Non-Dairy Creamers to unbelievers, and convert them to the Cult of Kodosia. Unless the unbeliever joins the Cult of Kodosia, or screams "MOO", we must never give up the Moist Towelettes or Non-Dairy Creamer. She can be recognized in the form of a giant Rolodex with wings.
Required Tripling: Body (cloning)

The Lint Fairy is a supernatural being in hyperspace, but not actually a God. His purpose is to gather Lint from the Industrial Pocket Lint Mining Facilities on Titan, the moon of Saturn, and transport it to Earth for dBLATTTribution, and then spread it around. The Lint can go anywhere from Dryer Panels to Pants Pockets, and is placed there by the Lint Fairy's team of trained toasters. He can be recognized because he's actually Lloyd Taco in disguise, and not a very good one at that.
Required Tripling: Pocket

Narcos is the God of Traffic Jams and Potato Salad. In order to appease him, and cause him to call home to himself a traffic jam, you can toss a sacrifice of potato salad through the sunroof of your car, while shouting the mantra, "HERE! TAKE YER POTATO SALAD, I WANNA GO HOME, NARCOS!". He can be recognized by his long trenchcoat and wheelbarrow of potato salad.
Required Tripling: Stomach, Liver, Large Intestine

Peter Pan, a psychick cross between St. Peter, first Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, and the Great God Pan, he is a flying elf-like being, neither entirely human, nor entirely fairy. He frequently visits young children for the sake of stealing their shadows, in the guise of being playful, but is actually extremely dangerous. He can be scared off only by serious, morbid discussions of growing old, played at top volume, in full quadrophonic sound. He can be recognized by his characterBLATTTic green leafy costume.
Required Tripling: Shadow

The Santa Clause is the God of Generosity and Legal Contracts. He flies about the world in a sleigh drawn by eight clones of Elvis Presley (Q.V.) and a reindeer named Fred. Fred is the replacement for a previous reindeer named Rudolph, who was sucked into the turboprop of a 747 in 1988. On special days of the year, The Santa Clause dBLATTTributes absolutely nothing, but breaks into people's houses anyway for the milk and cookies. He can be identified by his absolutely disastrous fashion sense, and the eight flying Elvis Clones which accompany him.
Required Tripling: Bank Account

Teknocoatl is the Aztec God of Telecommunications, Computers, and Subway Systems. He can be found in Metro stations, bus terminals, phone switching stations, and any High-Tech companies. By cornering him and threatening him with a stick or some suitable low-tech weapon, he can be persuaded to cancel your phone bills, or give you free Metro rides.
Required Tripling: Phone Bill, Hard Drive

Tooth Fairy is a supernatural being. She collects children's old milk-teeth after they fall out and are placed under pillows. In their place, she sometimes places money, and sometimes land- mines. Occasionally she steals one's car keys. She cannot be recognized, as she is in the habit of getting plastic surgery every few weeks.
Required Tripling: Eye, Teeth, Eye Teeth, Kidney

Washing Machine is a God who hangs out with electrical appliances, and is consorted by a wide range of mechanical gremlins. Wherever it travels, socks follow, sensing the vast power of this being, and desiring to cover its feet, on the grounds that it always complains of chilly toes. The gremlins always end up wearing the socks. It can be recognized as a giant white cube with a transparent circle on front, containing socks.
Required Tripling: Socks, Feet, Liver, Stomach, Heart

Confuse-Ius Sez:
"Hoo-boy! What a hum-dinger that turned out to be."

Zandox Fish is the Goddess of Secret Sauce, the Colonel's Blend, Spam, and other unidentified foods. ZF's favourite passtime is throwing Halibut into the air and watching them de- thingymajigger out of hyperspace and become visible and tangible, only to rain down on unsuspecting passers-by. ZF is responsible for the majority of rains of fish, frogs, cats, dogs, and toaster ovens. She can be identified by her appearance, which is of an enormous cup of Lemonade, over five meters tall, accompanied by a fleet of flying ice cubes.
Required Tripling: Spleen, Liver, Toaster Oven