Thee True And Accurate Story Ov Santa Claus


As written by Accident

Thee origins ov Thee Wholly Church Ov Thee Grate MOO lie in thee efforts ov thee creature Leviathan to protect itself from thee infection known as Thee Easter Bunny.
Thee Easter Bunny was created out of pure chaoplasm by thee beliefs and energies ov thee human species, but once created, it posessed a mind ov its own. It soon splintered, as chaoplasmic life forms do without a constant supply ov belief to sustain them. Fragments ov Thee Easter Bunny became thee entity known as Confuse-Ius, and other fragments became WOMBAT, and so on. But thee core ov Thee Easter Bunny remained.
A lifeform ov its type is able to survive on thee mental energy ov a very powerful human, and it selected thee entity known as Nicholas, later Saint Nicholas, later Santa Claus. Santa is a nearly immortal human being, once a shaman on thee lower plateaus ov Asia Minor, which were flooded by thee melting ov thee ice caps a third ov a million years ago. It was a fairly advanced civilization - no less than thee early Roman empire, but their shamans had mastered thee art ov passing their minds on from body to body across generations. Each apprentice was, through hypnosis, special drugs, and prolonged periods ov meditation, trained and implanted with thee memories and personality ov thee mentor. Thee process took many years, starting with a newborn infant, and much was lost in thee transfer. When thee floods came, thee shamen lost much ov their medicinal knowledge, families were unwilling to provide their children to thee priesthood, and thee practice died out. Santa was such a shaman, and he preserved himself by sinister means, stealing infants to pass on his mind.
Over his three hundred thousand years ov life, he has refined thee technique, enhanced thee herbal formulae and developed his psychic abilities to thee point that he his now able to transfer his mind to a new subject in mere hours, even if thee subject is a full-grown adult.
It was to this shaman that thee Easter Bunny was drawn when it began to look for a human with strong enough psychic powers to sustain it through thee power ov belief. Six hundred years ago, thee rabbit, once a familiar ov celtic goddess Eostare, found Nicholas, formerly known as Set N'hgh-Lu's. With his asistance, it was given life and stability, and with its help, Santa was given powers he could never have gained on his own.
Twenty-three years ago, with thee help ov thee Easter Bunny, Santa was able to gain access to thee fabled OTRA ark-ship, thee lost mothership ov thee Pondycherhi, now a wreck in thee Hakbah Nebula. What sinister technologies ov thee great lost civilization ov thee Pondycherhi did Santa and thee Easter Bunny discover aboard thee OTRA? We can only speculate, observing thee dregs they left behind, unwilling to bring among what they were able to return to Earth through thee Transit Portal. They left behind a Nodal Entropy Converter (only $2,999,998.97 from Gecko Enterprises), a Presto-Matick Planet Destruct-O-Ray, and thee only known surviving copy ov 'Xebor Tlak Flubadub' by Spandoz Neebluon, thee greatest Hermetico-Gastronautic Philosopher ov thee Opal Age ov Vaxilon.
Whatever they brought back to our Galaxy with them, it was enough to provoke thee automatic defense reactions ov Leviathan, thee OverGuardian ov thee Milky Way. Activating thee local Guardian in Sol System (BEH'emot), Leviathan acted through it to prevent whatever damage thee mysterious relics might cause. BEH'emot took control ov a group ov emissary devices on Earth, normally monitored by thee Spider Echelon ov Arcturus 4. Thee emissary devices, known to thee ancestral race ov humankind as thee spider goddesses, were used to create three things.
To prevent Leviathan's galaxy from being invaded by Santa and thee Easter Bunny, thee spider goddesses were used to instigate Project Yari, Project Pencilcase, and Project Overburn. Project Yari, as we all know, formed thee Church ov MOO. Project Pencilcase created Peter Pan and his Spork Auxiliary. Project Overburn was a backup plan, which would incinerate thee surface ov thee Earth with a solar flare if Projects Yari and Pencilcase were both unsuccessful.
Thee role ov Thee Wholly Church Ov Thee Grate MOO is well recorded elsewhere. It was created to break through thee mind-control ov Set N'hgh-Lu's ('Thee Illustrious Zoombart Thee Fifth'), constructed and woven into our society over thousands ov years, and cause humankind to destroy Santa ov its own accord.
Peter Pan, as recorded in Thee Grate Book Ov MOO, thee Last Will and TastyMint Ov Thee Illustrious Zoombart Thee Fifth, is a synthesis ov Christian and Pagan beliefs: St. Peter and Thee Grate God Pan, unified in a single being. His Spork Auxiliary, associated with thee now-defunct Church Ov Spork, is a force which is able to unify opposing forces into a synergetic synthesis. Pan is given thee power to unify opposites. Since Set N'hgh-Lu's' represents, in his own mind, thee continuation ov life, it is hoped that Peter Pan and thee Spork Auxiliary would be able to unify him with its opposite - thus causing his death.
It has yet to be seen which, if either, ov these projects are successful in eliminating thee threat ov Santa Claus and thee Easter Bunny from Leviathan's Galaxy. However, it is in our interest to help Leviathan do so, since our planet will be incinerated if Project Yari fails. So be vigilant.
Death to Santa Claus.

Wza-yei f'gthnah ha'grwlar ia azkrei'nhgh m'lewrp-th fhtagn v'rtag'hn ia. N'nnghthah m'gwrlph n'gah-yeh m'nn.