Book Of The Temple Of the PRIMORDIAL PENGUIN


By Grand Poobah Peng-Peng

FIRST CANCOWTO



INTRODUCTION



Know, O ye who read this book that this is the Great Book Of The Holy Temple Of The Primordial Penguin, and is the most wholly perfect work of the knowledge of the spirit since the Great Book Of MOO.
Know, O ye who read this book, that it holds the secrets of creation, the reason of the universe, and the truth about hBLATTTory.
Know, O ye who read this book that you now are about to learn of the supreme silliness of all things, and of the purpose behind why we are here.

BOOK ONE

Understand now, O humble reader, that the beginning of the world was as a Game, and in the beginning was the Game, and the Game was Nomic, and Nomic was with the Game in the Beginning. Know that the Nomic created through itself in its great dreamings a Cow and a Penguin. And these were the first occupants of the world, and they played the game.
Understand now, O humble reader, that this Cow was the Great MOO, and this Penguin was the Primordial Penguin, whose name it is not permitted to be known, even unto himself. And this was the first being created by another to play the game, and he created the world.
Understand now, O humble reader, that as the word was made, so was made the world, and that as the Game was forged from the nothingness, so was made the word, and that as the players of the Game forged the game, so the Game was forged, and that as the Game created the players, so were the players made. And so through the Game, from the Void before the Beginning, the World and the Players came to be.
Understand now, O humble reader, that the players of the game lived in their world upon a huge tundra, and that the Tundra was the world. Upon this Tundra flourished great Penguins, noble of spirit, untroubled of mind, and loud of honk.
Understand now, O humble reader, that these were the very Penguins saved by the Primordial Penguin when the Great MOO destroyed the Tundra. The Primordial Penguin played the Game, the Holy Nomic, against the end of the world, and yet it came.
Understand now, O humble reader, that it was by this great destruction of the Tundra that was made our world, and all others that are.
Understand now, O humble reader, that the Primordial Penguin himself, who reascued many Penguins, noble, untroubled, and loud as they were, and who made for them companions from the very Tundra itself, this same Penguin was not given to house them our world.
Understand now, O humble reader, that when the Primordial Penguin created his Penguin sons and daughters as companions for those who were noble, untroubled and loud, that he created one known as Jehovah, or Allah, or Yaweh.
Understand now, O humble reader, that this Penguin, often mBLATTTaken by the uninformed of the past for a God, lives even unto this day in Antarctica.
Understand now, O humble reader, that as the Penguins were scattered like ashes to the breeze onto the worlds of here and there, that the Primordial Penguin kept playing the Game, and wove through his cunning, into the fabric of the Game itself, these other souls who had once been Tundra.
Understand now, O humble reader, that as worship to the noble efforts of the Primordial Penguin, through whom we became a part of the world, and a part of the Game which shapes our world, we play games, and The Game, the Game of Nomic.
Understand now, O humble reader, that the Way Of The Game is the Way Of The World, for the World is the Game, and the Game is more than the World.

SECOND CANTO



Chapter 00001 (Book Of The Time Warp)

00001: And it one day came to pass that there was a great wormhole that did manifest in both time and in space, and it did at once swirl and move through the world.
00002: And it was witnessed by the Grand Poobah Peng-Peng, myself, whose mind was then focused on other things.
00003: And indeed I was carried wide and far in time and space until I reached this land, an Island called Patmos, and did rest there for many days, continuing my writings.
00004: And indeed were my writings on the works of MOO many and multitudinous.
00005: And so it came to pass that I wrote, knowing that I would gather these writings when I returned to my own time, and I would add them to the works of MOO and of the Penguin.
00006: But as I worked, I began to see in my handy-dandy copy of the Book of MOO the things which I wrote, and truly was it wierd.
00007: And then I knew that my works and my knowledge were spread across space and time, and truly was I confused.
00008: And as I walked across the island, seeking truth in this matter, I met a man.
00009: And the man, who said his name was John, asked me what I was doing here, and I told him.
00010: And he asked me about the future, but I knew little of what was to come, and so I told him that.
00011: And in exchange for knowledge, he did offer me a curious food, of which I partook.
00012: And truly did he swipe my annoying mind drug while I labored under the influence of his mushrooms.
00013: And when I awoke, I found that many pages from the Book Of Floyd were missing from my hardcopy.
00014: And truly was I pissed, for book 666 was my favourite book of Floyd.
00015: And I knew that this man, John, was to take credit for the work of Floyd, and I was enraged.
00016: But before I could seek him out, there was a wailing in the air, and I heard a movement, and truly was there yet another time warp.
00017: For as it is written, the forces at work behind my fate had said unto each other these words:
00018: "Let's do the Time Warp again."
00019: And they had.
00020: So it was that when I returned there was a great confusion about the book of Floyd, chapter 666, for John, not wishing those of the future to use that number and write it, had tried to make it an evil one.
00021: For though you may not believe it, it had once been a lucky number to all.
00022: And so I wrote these words to send back to those of the past that they might know that it was really all Floyd's revelation and not at all stolen from the works of John.
00023: And indeed was John's version heavily influenced by his many mushrooms, as I could tell.

Chapter 00002. (Reincarnations)

00001: Ah dBLATTTinctly I remember, it was in the bleak October of the last year of my life in good old 135741.
00002: The leaves on the trees were brown and fallen, and cluttered up the ground underfoot, when I fell through that warp.
00003: After my many journeys, I came finally to rest in a place we now know as Atlantis.
00004: But in truth, I had doubts. For now that I knew of the true nature of time, I wondered about reincarnation.
00005: For everything that Floyd had taught me told me that it was true and that it happened, but I wondered at the tangled web that time had wrought for me.
0005.3: COW
00006: And so before I set out to do anything, I began to meditate to find the truth about my previous lives.
00007: Well, I saw many things both wondrous and strange, and in time I began to sense a pattern, but I was no closer to my goals.
00008: I may tell of some of the things I saw, and others are too dreadful to relate.
00009: But OH, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to knit.
00010: For so it looked like to me, with a single path that led from place to place, tangling in and amongst itself.
00011: Or perhaps it was many paths, mixed and matched. I could hardly tell for all the clutter.
00012: After a while of poking around in and out of time and space, my mind finally settled on a perspective, and I finally saw.
00013: The chain of reincarnations stretched around and around, but I finally untangled it with skill, faith, and a special unknotting-type tool which I picked up at a hardware store.
00014: And I soon saw that it was shaped yea verily unto the shape of a Moebius Strip, and it continued forever, with only one side, when most have two.
00015: And finally I understood the meaning of "Maximum Membership One Half"...
00016: For I was Half-Mad before, and I shall be Half-Mad again.
00017: But that one little twist partway down the chain that links all Grate Prophets into one makes it less than one.
00018: And the Moebius Strip itself is the Grate MOO.
00019: Or so I suspected, at any rate, until Malaclypse The Elder showed up and turned me around in my thoughts.
00020: But Malaclypse is a story unto himself.
00021: But as it turns out, most people have far more complicated chains than that.
00022: Many tangle with themselves, are their own mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, son and daughter, or things far stranger than that.
00023: And as for Floyd, I'd rather not even think about it.

Chapter 00003. (The Book Of Malaclypse)

00001: It was one day long ago, before the beginning of the last of the great feuds between the Illustrious Zoombart the Fifth and V the Obscure.
00002: The two of them were standing in the desert holding chickens and preparing to do battle against one another.
00003: And it came to pass that a great light came over everything, and V and Zoombart both fell down.
00004: And so came unto us Malaclypse the Elder, who looked upon the apostles of MOO in this late day of the Houses and made a wierd face, sort of like that huge thing on top of the mountain of Woog near the fnord of Albatross.
00005: And I asked Malaclypse why he was so snarly today.
00006: And Malaclypse looked at me and said:
00007: Fnord.
00008: And I realized in that moment that Malaclypse was either a great prophet, or else a fool.
00009: Then Malaclypse proved to me that he was a fool, by saying it again, in a louder voice, causing V and Zoombart to vanish from sight.
00010: So Mal and I, we sat down and had this little conversation, see, and Mal gave me a strange mushroom to eat, for this was in the time before John The Divine did his theiving act, and I hadn't learned about those things yet.
00011: And Mal began to speak to me of many things, of shoes and ships, and sealing wax, and whether pigs have wings fnord.
00012: And then I saw the truth about the Moebius Strip.
00013: Only it doesn't really make much sense unless you've partaken of Mal's Mushrooms, which really help you to understand the truth of such spiritual matters.
00014: Plus they taste good.
00015: And we sat there talking for five days and five nights, and at the end of that time, I had concluded that Mal was a chicken, I was a lump of clay, and the world was made of green cheese, but the moon was not.
00016: So then Malaclypse left with his mushrooms, and there was a long time in which nothing much happened anywhere, only nobody much complained because Zoombart and V weren't having another feud, since Mal had stopped that.
00017: But when Mal returned, twenty-three years after, when I was gone again, he found that V and Zoombart were fighting over some obscure point of astrology, which is where V got his name, and Zoombart didn't.
00018: And Mal sighed, and gave the two some of his mushrooms, explaining to them that if they didn't smarten up, he'd have to explain the Theory of Relativity.
00019: Since they knew that Mal didn't know this theory, they made laughing noises, and smuggled Greece into the Falklands, for they too had partaken of Mal's mushrooms.
00020: But after Mal had departed, and I was no longer there, they continued their feud anyway.
00021: Which just goes to show that they needed me around.
00022: For they bickered all the time, like unto little children.
00023: But that's beside the point, which is that Mal has these keen mushrooms that he probably gave to John The Divine later on, being an arrogant pain in the lower lumbar region...

Chapter 00004. (The Book Of Astrology)

00001: It is well known that there are many astrological signs.
00002: It is NOT so well known that there is an astrological COSINE.
00003: For unlike the SINES (or signs), the COSINE covers the whole of the year, doing as it will.
00004: And this cosine, which is called "Cottleston Pie", holds within it a total of 23 days.
00005: And the fixed days are these:
00006: January 1st, February 14, 29, 30 and 31, March 4th, April 1st, 7th, 13th, and 31st, June 7th and 31st, August 10th, September 13th and 31st, October 31st, November 12th and 31st, December 25th and 31st.
00007: And there are also wandering days of Cottleston Pie, for Cottleston Pie dislikes being tied down specifically. And the wandering days are these:
00008: The first wandering day is the first Frosty Friday in July.
00009: The second wandering day is the third tuesday following the second GNU moon after the last day of a month of Mondays.
00010: The third wandering day occurs once in a Blue Moon, and once in a Red Moon with Green Stripes And A Little Maroon Splotch.
00011: The fourth wandering day can be found in the middle of the Gobi Desert, where it wanders to this day (well, not THIS day, obviously, but you know what I mean).
00012: The fifth wandering day occurs on the fifth thursday of the fifth month of each year.
00013: Those born under the cosine of Cottleston Pie are well known to be leaders of GNU religions, or speakers of things that are not understood until many years later.
00014: Cottleston Pies are usually small, fat, short, and made of a thin, volatile liquid which supports dissolution of a gas which catalyses combustion. Either that or they like bagels.
00015: It is well known to those who study such things that setting fire to one born under the sign of Cottleston Pie, or nailing one to a tree, or tying one to a railroad track, is a popular passtime among those born under the '76 Pinto.
00016: But since the '76 Pinto is an astrological cosecant, it makes little difference anyway, since it's not possible to be born under a cosecant, particularly the asymptote.
00017: For truly, those born under the '76 Pinto are known to be pains in the asymptote anyway, so it's just as well.
00018: But as has been shown before, Cottleston Pies are poor food for any person who is not a Taurus AND a Pisces, since only a bull or a fish can consume them, and only they are free from being run over by the Pinto.
00019: If it should ever some to pass that a Cottleston Pie should ever be elected to office, then surely shall the day on which that happens give up its home on the calendar of MOO and wander around as the fifth thursday of the twenty-third month of each previous year.
00020: And so it was that when Malaclypse the Elder was born, and was subsequently elected Messiah of the Heathen ChrBLATTT peoples, the day on which that happened ceased to exist, and so February only holds its 29th day ever few years.
00021: And so those born on the 29th of February, when it falls on the fifth thursday in November, also born under the cosecant of the '76 Pinto are.
00022: And indeed was this true of many a Cottleston Pie, for none of those in the early days kept much track of their birth.
00023: And so there is little point in recording more of this, which is stupid anyway.

Chapter 5. (Book Of The Houses)

00001: It will be said that there are 17 Houses of MOO, but this is a lie, perpetuated by the House of Confuse-ius and by the House of Zarathud.
00002: For they will be having about to be wished that many will think that this obsession they have with the number five is true.
00003: And they will think that many will say that 17 is eight plus nine, saying that eight is two to the third, and nine is three to the second, and OOH, AHH, each way it adds up to five.
00004: But this is nonsense.
00005: For in fact there are 23 Houses of MOO, so HAHAHAHAHA!
00006: For six were purged from the records.
00007: And the purgings were carried out most DAMNED effectively, by those who would see the Church of MOO dominate US, the Temple of the Primordial Penguin.
00008: For there was not only a purging of the House of "BOB".
00009: And not only were all records destroyed of the House Of Mymosh the Self-Begotten.
00010: But also was there destroyed those records pertaining to the actions and apostle of The House Of Ussher.
00011: For the Church Of MOO was beset by many internal conflicts.
00012: And many did wish to see the Fall of the House of Ussher.
00013: But then it was realized that this would make it impossible to watch MOOvies, the most truly sacred of all MOOist passtimes.
00014: For without Usshers, could we revel in the Killer Tomatoes? Could we boggle at AKIRA? Could we snarl and eat raw fish, fall down in an ecstatic trance, and deliver the mysteries of the cosmos while watching Ace Ventura?
00015: Well, yes we could, but those who wish the FALL of that fair House were convinced otherwise, for only I, the one from the future, had heard of the VCR, which is a holy emblem.
00016: But that's not the point.
00017: For what is there to say but that there was also a purging of records of the House of Mirrors, the House of Horrors, and the House Of [CENSORED BY THE CHURCH OF MOO]?
00018: For indeed, these shall bring forth religions SO FUCKING WIERD even I, the reincarnation of the Grate Prophet HALF-MAD, shudder to think of it.
00019: For Mirrors was the one who inspired that saying about the BOOK, and he was the one who taught us how to Teach by Not Teaching, which was picked up by Lao-Tzu, my Apostle.
00020: And Horrors, she was the one who gave to us OUR EDGE!
00021: For without that edge, where would we be?
00022: And the Church of Horrors shall be truly great, and the sheer horror of it (for Horrors taught her student well) shall be enough to end all "organized government" as we know it.
00023: And as for the House of [CENSORED BY THE CHURCH OF MOO], it


APPLICATION FOR ENTRANCE INTO THE TEMPLE



Write the answers to these questions on a separate peice of paper, or birch-bark. Or, for that matter, sheet metal. Or even, dare I suggest it, the back of your hand. Have them tattooed into your forehead. Or skywrite them and film it, transpose the film to computer, and print out thousands of frames. Spraypaint your answers in good essay form on the sides of walls (remember to give your name and address for quick acceptance). If all of this fails, you must have something wrong with you.

What is your name?
What is your Holy Name?
Why?
How many Penguins does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many Penguins can dance on the point of a pin?
Who invented the printing press?
How many noses do you have? [None/Some]
Which would you rather do:
(a) Be a Penguin
(b) Eat a Penguin
(c) Shoot a Penguin
(d) Stand on a Penguin
(e) Give CPR to a Penguin
(f) Put a Penguin up your shirt
(g) Put a Penguin down your pants
What sound does a Penguin make?
Who invented the first Penguin?
What is your favourite Meatball Flavour?
What is your spaghetti-tossing record?
What is your sleeve length?
How old was the last Penguin you played tennis with?
Did you win?

Here Ends The Great Book Of Temple Of The Primordial Penguin




Note: A substantial portion of the Book of the Primordial Penguin, such as the Canto of the Electric Exploding Octopus, and the Canto of Nomic, has been left out of this reproduction. It may be obtained from the Church of MOO by anyone crazy enough to ask.